Poisoned Hearts – How Parental Alienation Hurts

November 29, 2013 14thdaymom

I am going to focus my attention for a while on Parental Alienation Syndrome. I encourage comments and ideas from the readers.

Parental Alienation Syndrome Poster

(From Wikipedia):Parental alienation syndrome was a term coined by child psychiatrist Richard A. Gardner. He defines Parental Alienation Syndrome as “a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child’s campaign of denigration against the parent, a campaign that has no justification. The disorder results from the combination of indoctrinations by the alienating parent and the child’s own contributions to the vilification of the alienated parent.”(ref:Gardner, RA (2001). “Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS): Sixteen Years Later”. Academy Forum 45 (1): 10–12. Retrieved 2009-03-31.)

Parental Alienation is child abuse and a hate crime of the worst kind – with the consequences primarily going to the child that the alienating parent is trying to estrange from the targeted parent.

I can tell you, as the ‘target parent’ – the pain is deep. There is no words to describe it. There is such extensive damage done, to both the child and parent, that to heal seems impossible. Where do we start? How do we start to heal when the alienating parent (or grandparent in my case) still has control of the child, still alienates the child, and does not want anything to change? Now, my child isn’t even a child anymore – he is an adult. So he is no longer part of any custody agreements or court rulings. There is no custody modification possible. There is no reversal of court orders possible.

It is over. Or is it?

I waited ten years after I realized no matter what I did, how hard I fought, or what happened, I would not win custody of my son back. I had to give up eventually or it was going to kill me. I eventually had to accept that it would be his adulthood that I would have to wait for. So I did just that – I waited.

I imagined for years how it would go – his 18th birthday. I imagined what it would be like to have his birthday party take place, with his custodial family present and I show up – to their dismay- and how my son would run to me, because he could.

I imagined how after that day we would be best friends. How he would call me for advice or to share good news with me. I imagined how he would come to stay with me, and we would talk all night about the good times, and cry together over the bad.

I imagined so many things we could do together. I never imagined there would be silence on his end. I never imagined I would call on his 18th birthday and he wouldn’t answer. I never imagined emails would go ignored, chats would not be initiated. I never imagined he was so alienated from me that even though he’s old enough now to decide for himself, she still controls him.

The International Handbook of Parental Alienation Syndrome by Gardner, Sauber, and Lorandos, has become the standard reference work for PAS. The International Handbook features clinical, legal, and research perspectives from 32 contributors from eight countries.

I never imagined that my son might hate me – or that I would wonder if he really does hate me. My gut tells me he doesn’t, but I have not heard from him, so maybe I am wrong.

I never imagined this pain might last forever.

What do I do now? How do I reach him? Do I wait for him? Do I find a seminar to attend? Do I drag my entire extended family to some weekend camp retreat where we make clay sculptures and have group sessions about our dysfunctional family and how its come so far between me and my son that he’s out of control. I cannot believe or understand how my brothers, my child’s uncles, have allowed this alienation to take place, and now that the deleterious effects are shining through they are ‘washing their hands of it’ – frustrated at the results of their inaction. WELL WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?

I have to fight the demon that tells me i want to commit suicide when I think about the idea that my son may hate me for real and we may never heal. I have to fight the demon that gives me so much rage that I cannot take out against anyone but myself. I have to fight to forget everything I don’t want to remember, but then I am afraid to forget too much. I don’t know anymore, I just want to know my son again. I want him to be okay.

How do we fix the damage that’s been done?

I am going to include articles about PAS that I found from around the web here, and ask that anyone out there who has something to say, please do. I need to know how to fix this. It hurts.

PAS RESOURCES AND LINKS

(source: http://www.pasattorney.com/pas-resources-links.htm)

Parental Alienation Awareness Organization (PAAO)

PAAO is dedicated to educating the general public, schools, police, counselors, and religious leaders on the subjects of Hostile Aggressive Parenting and Parental Alienation Syndrome. To achieve its goal, PAAO uses not only seminars and conferences to disseminate information, but also actively collects information. The PAAO website is clean, well organized, and highly informative.

Breakthrough Parenting

Breakthrough Parenting is a California-based organization that offers both classes and counseling on child custody, co-parenting, parenting plans, and parental alienation. The Breakthrough Parenting website offers several interesting books for sale. The executive director of Breakthrough Parenting, Jayne Major, PhD, has also put up an informative article entitled “Parents who have Successfully Fought Parental Alienation” that can be downloaded for free in PDF format.

PsyCare

This no-frills but highly popular website describes itself this way: “PsyCare hopes to address issues that are not always popular or politically correct. Instead, we want to stimulate debate and research on important issues affecting today’s families[,] to learn from other’s experiences and try to influence social policies based on empirical research and objective findings.” Highly informative and contains links to many other high-quality PAS websites.

Parental Alienation Syndrome

Florida psychologist Dr. J. Michael Bone has put up a solid website that deals with both parental alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome. Dr. Boone has provided a number links to some highly informative sources.

Help Stop PAS

“Help Stop PAS is a non-profit organization dedicated to fostering healthy, rational, supportive and sustainable relationships between parents and their children during and after divorce. Our mission is to educate parents, extended family, law practitioners, clergy, medical and mental health professionals to recognize the signs and symptoms of parent alienation in order to intervene, in the appropriate discipline, and to reduce the occurrence of parent alienation. We also seek to obtain funding to promote and perform research projects aimed at providing new information about the appropriate professional definitions of, and the legal and mental health effects of parent alienation.” Another very solid website.

Parental Alienation Information Network (PAIN)

Far from painful, Dr. Glenn Cartwright’s site is a great no-nonsense PA and PAS information source.

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EMDR Therapy: Self-Help Techniques for Trauma Relief

November 1, 2012 14thdaymom

Self help techniques for my brothers and sisters out there also suffering from PTSD

April 18, 2012 by Kellie Holly

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is primarily used as a treatment for PTSD. Discovered and developed by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D., EMDR uses eye movements, taps or tones to reprogram trauma victims’ thinking. The end result can be relatively fast relief of PTSD symptoms, including the re-experiencing of the trauma and other symptoms resulting from horrific events like rape or combat. EMDR also helps with “little t” traumas having to do with beliefs about ourselves formed during childhood and other mental health disorders.

How Does EMDR Work?
EMDR uses a psychoanalytic approach to verbally tie trauma triggers to memories so the brain can move past the pain and heal rapidly. In fact, many one-time traumas can be efficiently handled in three 90-minute sessions with a trained EMDR clinician (childhood traumas will take more time). One of the best parts about EMDR is it does not involve repetitively talking through the trauma.

For example, rape victims will not have to relive the pain they felt and combat victims will not be forced to relive the events causing their trauma.

About Francine Shapiro, Ph.D.
Dr. Francine Shapiro is a recipient of the International Sigmund Freud Award for Psychotherapy of the City of Vienna, the American Psychological Association Trauma Psychology Division Award for Outstanding Contributions to Practice in Trauma Psychology, and the Distinguished Scientific Achievement in Psychology Award, from the California Psychological Association. Her new book, for both laypeople and clinicians, is called Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR Therapy.

Dr. Shapiro joins us on this edition of the HealthyPlace Mental Health TV Show to discuss EMDR and these new EMDR self-help techniques for relief of traumas in your life as well as ways to deal with stress, negative thoughts and emotions, and understanding why you may over-react in relationships.

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Are You Afraid of Your Doctor or Therapist?

November 1, 2012 14thdaymom

The following article is from a wonderful newsgroup moderated by Dr Sam Vaknin I subscribe to, which offers so many informative articles its hard for me to choose which to re-post.

I have spent my fair share of time in the hospital due to a rare genetic blood disorder I inherited from my fathers side if the family. My condition puts me at high risk of developing blood clots, and so each time I’ve had clots move into my lungs, it couldve been fatal.

That being said, admittedly, I have also developed a fear of hospitals. I’m not necessarily afraid of the doctors, after all, their expertise saved my life each time. But my fears cause me to feel anxious when I talk to my doctors. So this article really caught my attention.

Source: http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/are-you-afraid-of-your-doctor-therapist-healthyplace-t21335.html

It seems many people are afraid of their doctors. After all, the doctor is an authoritarian figure. A recent study published in the May 2012 issue of Health Affairs reveals people don’t want to appear as “difficult patients.” Appearing stupid in front of the doctor is also another concern. Patients are also afraid that if they challenge the doctor, the doctor will enact some form of retribution. (See the discussion on being afraid of your doctor on our Google+ page.)

None of this is good because in dealing with a mental illness, you need to be educated and able to ask questions of your doctor or therapist. You also have the right to not only discuss the doctor’s treatment recommendations, but you should feel free to say “this is not right for me. Here’s what I’m thinking.”

Talking to Your Doctor or Therapist

So how do you get to that point where you feel comfortable dealing with your doctor?

Dr. Patricia Salber, author of “The Doctor Weighs In” blog, suggests you research your illness prior to your doctor visit via the internet, talking to other patients, even getting second opinions. Then write down a list of questions or concerns, so you’re prepared.

Remember, the doctor’s time is limited.

If you feel the meeting is important, bring a friend or loved one who can advocate for you and/or take notes as needed.
I’m going to pass on a fourth suggestion offered up by our social media manager, Amanda Collins:

“I think the important thing is to change the way you look at your doctor. If you see your doctor as a god, then where does that put you? On the other hand, if you view him/her as a respected member of your treatment team and a person you pay for advice, then you have all the rights that go along with that.
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What Treatments Are Available For PTSD?

October 29, 2012 14thdaymom

PTSD is treated by a variety of forms of psychotherapy (talk therapy) and pharmacotherapy (medication).

There is no single best treatment, but some treatments appear to be quite promising, especially cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT includes a number of diverse but related techniques such as cognitive restructuring, exposure therapy, and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). For most people symptoms improve over the first year.

Treatment also reduces symptoms but for some symptoms can last a lifetime.
Roughly 30% of individuals develop a chronic form of PTSD.

PTSD usually involves periods of symptom increase followed by remission or decrease, although some individuals may experience symptoms that are long lasting and severe.

Some older veterans, who report a lifetime of only mild symptoms, experience significant increases in symptoms following retirement, severe medical illness in themselves or their spouses, or reminders of their military service, such as reunions and anniversaries.

What other problems do people with PTSD experience?

It is very common for other conditions to occur along with PTSD, such as depression, anxiety, or substance abuse.

More than half of men with PTSD also have problems with alcohol. The next most common co-occurring problems in men are depression, followed by conduct disorder, and then problems with drugs.

In women, the most common co-occurring problem is depression. Just under half of women with PTSD also experience depression.

The next most common co-occurring problems in women are specific fears, social anxiety, and then problems with alcohol.

People with PTSD often have problems functioning.

In general, people with PTSD have more unemployment, divorce or separation, spouse abuse and chance of being fired than people without PTSD.

Vietnam veterans with PTSD were found to have many problems with family and other interpersonal relationships, problems with employment, and increased incidents of violence.

People with PTSD also may experience a wide variety of physical symptoms. This is a common occurrence in people who have depression and other anxiety disorders.

Some evidence suggests that PTSD may be associated with increased likelihood of developing medical disorders.

Research is ongoing, and it is too soon to draw firm conclusions about which disorders are associated with PTSD.

PTSD is associated with a number of distinctive neurobiological and physiological changes.

PTSD may be associated with stable neurobiological alterations in both the central & autonomic nervous systems, such as altered brainwave activity, decreased volume of the hippocampus, and abnormal “activation of the amygdala. Both the hippocampus and the amygdala are involved in the processing and integration of memory. The amygdala has also been found to be involved in coordinating the body’s fear response.

I think I have PTSD.
What can I do now?

Many people who might need help for something like PTSD are afraid to go for help.

One out of five people say they might not get help because of what other people might think.

One out of three people say they would not want anyone else to know they were therapy. But almost 50% of people say that there is less shame in seeking help now than there has been in the past .

A study that’s been done of soldiers coming home from Iraq found that only 40% of service members with mental problems said they would get help.

In many cases this was due to the soldiers’ fears about what others would think, and how it could hurt their military careers.

If you think you have PTSD there are a number of things you can do.

You may want to be evaluated for PTSD by psychiatrist, psychologist, or clinical social worker specifically trained to assess psychological problems.

You could also discuss your symptoms with your doctor.
If you do not want to be evaluated but feel you have symptoms of PTSD you may choose “watchful waiting.”

Watchful waiting means taking a wait-and-see approach. If you get better on your own, you won’t need treatment.

If your symptoms do not improve after 3 months and they are either causing you distress or are getting in the way of your work or home life, talk with a health professional.

In a few cases, your symptoms may be so severe that you need immediate help.

Call 911 or other emergency services immediately if you think that you cannot keep from hurting yourself or someone else.

For more information see http:// www.ncptsd.va.gov/

You are not alone.