My darling baby boy; Lil’ Man: Jay Ryan, Ry-Bread: How I love you my baby boy!
I dont know where you are, I don’t know how you are, or if you are ok. ..
Not necessarily physically, that too, but I mean your mind, your soul.
I am not sure what you know or don’t know about everything and I hope that one day you will know the truth.
I believe the truth belongs to you and I and I hope it gives you peace when you find it, but first you’ve got to look for the truth. It will be hard. It will mean everything else you thought was true was a lie. Your foundations will crumble as you become aware of what is real and what really happened to us. When you know everything, it will be so hard for you to understand why. I may not be here long enough to see that day come, so I’m making it all available to you, waiting for you to seek it out. You may not decide until you are in your 40s before you want to know. It will be waiting. I don’t want to to suffer your whole life like I have.
. I know I can’t find it – peace – until i can see you again, and share all of this with you… and I want you to trust and love me again. Tell me everything you keep inside.
They destroyed me…but I don’t want them to destroy you. all those memories that you struggle to carry alone. I want you to ask me those questions that I can’t imagine how to answer, but the need to know or at least ask someone who loves you, all the years you’ve been waiting to ask all of it killing you- give it to me.
Oh my god. How did this happen to us?
Thats my question, but not to you – I don’t know who to ask, maybe I should ask God? Will you ask Him with me?
if we ask together maybe He’ll answer us faster? Or maybe the answers will make more sense.
I don’t know, I’m looking for whatever works that takes away the pain and emptiness of life without you.
My only true question that remains is can you please forgive me for my mistakes, my shortcomings and
weaknesses that failed to protect you? I couldn’t keep up with the challenges we faced, and I’m so sorry, can you still love me ? Please?
Those mistakes that failed to keep you safe …i never meant them. I tried so hard not to fail you. I never meant to lose control of your precious childhood years.
My foresight just did not imagine that the worst nightmare was real…or even possible… I took it for granted that the truth would let the end happen in our favor, so differently than it did, that you would come home, because I didn’t ever do anything to hurt you. I thought the truth mattered.
That we would have a home again.
We’d have eachother…. Again.
Or at least a relationship of some kind, they took you completely away from me, why??? Why??? oh baby, do you
remember me and life with me?
we were so close.
I will never understand why my birth mother doesn’t love me and decided you shouldn’t either.
please don’t let the love you had once in your heart and soul become numb and so mistrusting so that you depart from the good ways or that you grow cold and bitter.
Please let me believe you still love me no matter what others believe or think. I never left you . I never wanted to –
I never chose to not be with you, it was chosen for me .. For us..for reasons I’ll never fully comprehend… I miss you every moment that I exist with such intense grief
there is no relief and all I know is that if I feel this way I can’t imagine how you are feeling, inside, …my baby I’m so sorry
For two years I have wanted so many answers, and I’ve gotten them, I know what happened – I know they had no reason to do this to us. I have the files now and baby, my answers, I know them, I know the lies now – they told you so many lies about me, and one day you will realize that.
The answers don’t make sense. I know who had the most pull–political and financial- call em “friends” and who had the money; they won. All I had was a series of mistakes I made that I was judged for most harshly by my own flesh and blood.
So many times I wished we had stayed on that trip home to Florida.
when we drove out to Florida the last time, we should’ve stayed. it wasn’t meant to be this way. As horrible as it all has been, it was a part of a plan much greater than us (I have to believe that.) Without that there’s no meaning to it that makes sense.
I am sure you have your own moments, memories, and nightmares that will forever haunt you and remain yours… Only yours…
I have mine…I know you have yours.
I hope one day you tell me what happened, and why, if you know.
Without you I fell to pieces.
I crumbled and just never figured out quite how to come together again… like Humpty Dumpty I fell off as our walls came down around us.
The day I knew you weren’t
coming home, it was Tuesday, May 4, 2004 when the investigator said I could either sign over custody of you or face court action.
I felt my legs give way, my stomach turn, tears overflowing in buckets of panic and grief.
I was So tired after those months we spent running, hiding in fear.
I remember when I took you your blankie and wrote you a letter my world was dazed, I thought you were coming
home in 14 days. I didn’t know you would never come home.
I never imagined the nightmare losses and forever’s sorrow I would become.
Yeah baby, I’ve spent every day in sorrow and guilt and the realization that cuts so deep is how the one and only thing greater than my love for you is the pain of losing you, and I tried to kill the pain, but there wasn’t, there isn’t anything strong enough and I can’t describe it, though I wish I could. I wish I could give it away to someone else to feel because I am so tired of grieving. I’d give away enough pain to 3 stadiums full of people to cry for a lifetime and still I’d mourn every waking hour.
The catch is the love that keeps me going keeps me mourning but it keeps me breathing – I have but a couple
videos of you that you made on your webcam for your stepdaddy and I watch them over and over again and
listen to your voice.
So many videos we had that got stolen so now I’ve got these copies and thats all that is left of you with me now.
There was the one visit when you had been hit with rocks thrown by the other foster children…
At the end of side one you say
“….somethingsomething…”and I just scream…
Its very hard to hear and all I could hear was “I just scream…” and I had to know…
WHY IS MY BABY SCREAMING????
I listened again, and again, once, twice, ten times, with headphones, in slow motion, high pitch, low baud rate, high baud rate, other stereo, different PC,
new program, over and over and over again I would listen…
“and i just scream…”
Over a year I listened and then one day, clear as a bell, I heard it…
“Each time I go home from a visit I just scream at my foster mom…”
“Cuz each time she walks i think its you..”
I screamed with you darling… after the visits… I
screamed too baby. Driving back I’d scream at nobody or
. I’d scream at my mother, the police, God,
Myself, your stepdaddy, father, the government, my anger was so strong having to leave you there!!!
But I never – ever – screamed at you…. not once, I never was angry at you, I just never could reach you.
They would not let me reach you.
And I tried… baby, I tried but I know now they weren’t ever going to let me… so many people made sure I couldn’t get to you and for years I didn’t understand
why… I’ll never understand it.
I still don’t understand though I got my answers, well, most of them at least.
When I finally somehow got my cps case file, I don’t think they meant me to see everything I’ve seen, but mostly I think
I just pissed people off.
I pissed them off by making them work at their jobs, by knowing my rights, and your rights, and the law, and I
took their power trip and I made them earn it… no lazy days…
and they kept you from me…
When he finally got arrested for the same crimes I’d been warning them about, what a bittersweet moment that was. I cried, shook, laughed, and felt such anger for my years worth of begging pleas that only fell on deaf ears. Why? So I could lose my little boy? Why??
What good would saying, “I told ya so!” do? But I see it all and its a bigger picture to me, or else I’d have never made it this far.
Everything has its time, just like Ecclesiastes says, but remembering that isn’t always easy. I’m lucky, I can see the signs and God talks to me all the time in so many ways.
Since you were gone I’ve learned to see God in everything around me, because those times we lost God, the Devil sure was there in so many forms – addiction, anger, abuse, illness, infection, deceit, lust, greed, malice, infliction of pain by others and upon myself, hate, disbelief, hopelessness…. thats worst than the
anger – losing hope… I did… many times, and it was nearly fatal…but there was one thing – YOU – and my love for you that wouldn’t let me quit. I wanted to so
badly, wanted to quit. I wished I didn’t love you
sometimes because if I didn’t love you I COULD quit….
I called my attorneys once and said, “I quit, tell them
to end it…I QUIT!
I was tired of the fighting to prove I didn’t hurt you to people who already knew that. Tired of trying to
stay sober and how that meant dealing with the pain.
The stress was so bad on my body, illness fell upon me, and people would stare, move away and say things in a
whisper…I wouldn’t look in the mirror for months … I
woke up in an ambulance, in a hospital room, off the
side of the road, I don’t recall the moments before –
but i recalled the stress, the terror, the stress that
made me say it, “I QUIT” … she tried to talk around
it, for hours talking to me, but that was it for me, “I
Then I went to bed, stayed there for days, not all sleep though, I layed there thinking, crying, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday… wouldn’t talk to anyone… no calls… grieving…. didn’t want the computer, no letters to write, I stopped – I WAS SPENT!
Then I thought about tomorrow –
Tomorrow was Tuesday… and our visit…
and I thought…
How do I tell my baby that my time was up, that I gave up?
How do I not tell you?
If I really quit then tomorrow would be our last Tuesday together and I could not accept that!!! No, I want to talk to my baby boy!!
I want to talk to you alone – again – while you’re still a child, not with CPS workers and cops and enemies
around us, I didn’t do anything to hurt him to deserve this!!!
I CANT QUIT I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH!!!
I was just so afraid they’d take you, thats the mistake i made, but is it a mistake?
Its why I homeschooled you, not to give them an excuse to take you, but to keep you safe! I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for your pain, anger, fears, I wanted to keep you safe from it, but the truth is the world is a rough place, you’ll be okay out there – a survivor like me –
I just wish I’d known it was over beforehand so I could’ve been ready, had a plan or been able to talk to you and hear you tell me that it’s gonna be okay and you’ve forgiven me and still love me, and not listened to their hate for me…. so I could recall the last time you were in my home – as a child –
I must stop now, this is why I have so many letters to you that never finished, it hurts so much… the guilt is so strong I can’t write… but I’m keeping the 1/2 written letters for you, to give you one day, if I get the chance…
I pray I get the chance… and you’ll cherish them… like I cherish you…
I love you, my life, my soul, my everything!! You are my reason, my light, my breath, my son…
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU