I chose my son’s birthday- and he was perfect and he was mine.

His eyes were midnight black when he was born. In the first few weeks of his precious life, though, they changed slowly to a hazel green.

Just like mine.

He was my second child and would be my last child.

I had him on August 18th, a day that I had chosen for his birth. He was to be induced labor, a little early, because of complications with my amniotic fluid.

I chose that daffy for a couple reasons. First, the 18th was also my daughters birthday, just another month. Second, it would make him a Leo sign, and knowing i was having a boy i thought a Leo would have a good strong personality. Third, it fell on a Friday.

I had a daughter already who was five years old but i had voluntarily relinquished custody when she was two. I knew at the time, i wasn’t ready to be a full time single mom. Making that decision was one of the hardest decisions i had ever made. I knew it was the right thing to do, but i had felt that loss inside for years before my son was born.

Then, i had lost two babies before i got pregnant with my son. I knew this would be my last child, and having given up and lost two, i was so determined to hold on to my son with all my might.

I had a very problematic pregnancy. I kept losing amniotic fluid, causing the baby’s growth to be slow. I had to receive shots of blood thinners daily, go to the lab every other day for blood work, and the last couple months was put on bed rest. I was underweight. You couldn’t even tell i was pregnant until the very end.

I was also going through a divorce with custody issues from my daughter, involving not just my ex, but my mother as well. My father was my attorney. Nobody knew I was pregnant. Not even my father. In the State of Texas if a woman is pregnant during divorce proceedings the husband Is presumed to be the father. That could potentially cause problems and i had a mediation to attend. I was 7 months pregnant.

And nobody knew.

I was terrified, and had to tell my father, who was also my attorney, and did not know how to soften the blow. So, i left him a note the Friday before mediation on Monday, telling him i was 7 months pregnant, and i hid all weekend from him until Monday morning. .. When i had to go to court.

I’ll never forget, getting on the elevator with him nd he just looked at me and said “Who else knows your secret?”

I said , “nobody” .

He looked at my belly and said,

” you’re really pregnant? ”

I lifted my shirt and he saw it, my little round bowling ball size belly…

And his eyes widened…

” Are you healthy? Is the baby…?

“yes, Daddy. And it’s a little boy.”.

He smiled.

My divorce was finalised that day, and everyone knew by lunchtime. My mother and brothers were in shock, and couldn’t believe how far along i was .

My Daddy was just glad baby and i were healthy.

Less than two months later it was time.

The neonatal nursing team was prepared for a problematic birth, and possible complications. A whole team of them were in there, with an incubator in wait. I had woken up that morning, gone to the donut store on the way to the hospital for colaches and coffee.

I received pitocin when i arrived to begin the contractions. I walked the halls and was even stopped a couple times because i just didn’t look pregnant.

I weighed in at 130 pounds when he was born. He was all of 5 pounds 4 ounces. I pushed twice. After the first time, he crowned, and i asked them to get me a mirror before I pushed again.

I wanted to watch this little miracle come out. Second push he was born,mwith no problems at all. His little mouth was wide open as he screamed his first cries with great strength in his lungs.

He was perfect. I fell in love with him immediately.

I remember the first night waking up and feeling so incredibly empty without his little body inside of me. I called for him to be brought to me to hold him, feed him, change his diaper. I held him so close.

I was going to hold him forever. This was my baby boy and nobody else’s and i loved him with every piece of my soul.

He is now 23 years old, but i remember his new life being created like it was yesterday. His birthday is tomorrow. He is 2000 miles away from me. He’s grown into a beautiful man, talented, handsome, and smart. The world is his oyster, and he is the pearl.

He is just beginning his adulthood and i want him to find his way in life. I want him to be happy. I want him to be fulfilled, loved, and safe.

I want him to know who he is, where his roots are, and that he is loved by his mother so deeply that words can’t describe it.

I want my son to know i am always here for him, even if it’s just for him to know I’m here.

I will always be waiting for him to come home to me if he wants to or needs to.

I will always take his phone call over and above anything else i have going on at the time.

I will always have room for him in my home and will never turn him away.

I will always listen tip every word he says if he chooses to talk to me.

I will believe all of his lies. Take up for him when he’s wrong. Defend him no matter what.

I will always cry when i see him and when he leaves.

I will always wonder what he is up to in his life and Pray he is safe and happy.

I will always worry about him.

I will hope he’s never lost or afraid.

I will always cherish the days i had him with me, before i knew they were numbered. Wishing i had known so i could’ve said things to him i wanted to be sure he knew…

Like he is not motherless..

He is loved..

Unconditionally…

Without judgement, expectations or hesitation.

Happy Birthday my son.

I hope wherever you are, you are content.

I am here. At the other end of the mile, holding the carnival ticket, waiting… Always.

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I love love love you.

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