Things I Wish I Could Say To My Lost Son

 

Life is a serious of lessons. Some come easy and others, well, some lessons you just can’t understand or get over. Losing a child is one of the most traumatic oh life lessons. A lesson you never fully recover from.

As you read this article, play this song.

It was the song I sang each night to my son before bed.

With parental alienation, a child is lost to the targeted parent, sometimes, in severe cases, a targeted parent is cut off completely from their child. The grief and suffering that comes with that loss is without end, without closure. In my case, my son was taken from me on Mother’s Day, hidden from me, and turned against me. He was completely taken from me with no contact whatsoever. No updates on how he was, no photos, nothing, for over a decade. He was 8 when they took him, and an adult when I found him again. An adult stranger who resembled my child. A stranger I would do anything for.

Still my child was gone. I will never hear his 8 year old voice calling me  ‘Mommy ‘ again, unless I listen to the recordings I made when he was in foster care. Not the best of memories in those days, and they had stolen all my family’s home videos of the good times. Still my 8 year old son is gone, and I’ll never get him back, no matter the reconnection I make with his adult version, my 8 year old son is gone. I am grateful he is still alive, living his own life, creating memories with his own family now. I have known friends who have lost their children to cancer or other untimely tragedies and I cannot imagine their pain. That being said, mine is still gone and there are so many things I would say to him, if I could.

These are some of those things I would say to my 8 year old son.

• I AM SORRY. Son, there are things that are going to happen in your life. In our life. That will change you. They will hurt. I will not be able to protect you from these things, no matter how hard I try, you will be hurt, and I won’t be there. I am so sorry for that. I want you to know that no matter what I will be trying to find my way to you, to love and protect you, and if I fail, please accept my apologies and forgive me.
• I LOVE YOU. I love you deeply and know nothing else greater than my love for you besides the pain of losing you. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and yearn for you. Even now, after 25 years.
• YOU ARE NOT MOTHERLESS. You will be kept away from me, and I will not be allowed to mother you but know that you are not motherless. If I have a breath in my lungs, I am always able will be your mother. Our bond may be fractured but it will never be severed no matter what anyone says or does to us.
• WHEN I SEE YOU AS A GROWN MAN JUST KNOW I WILL LOOK AT YOU AT TIMES AS IF YOU ARE STILL 8 YEARS OLD. I need you to understand that when you were taken from me, time stopped. I was frozen in that moment. For years, i would forget the date and write the year 2004. When I dream of you, you are 8 years old in my dreams. I will never get over losing you. I don’t know if you will carry similar demons, though I assume you will, and I pray you are strong enough to fight them. I know how utterly devastating and difficult it was to overcome the trauma of losing you, for me, as an adult, so I can only imagine how it must be for you as a child.  If you need me, I am here, so long as I have a breath remaining, I will always be here for you. Come to me. Don’t be afraid to come to me.
• REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES WE HAD.  I know if you look at me now, I am not the same person I was before I lost you. I even look different. Not too different that you won’t recognize me, and just enough the same to remind you of who I used to be. Perhaps that reminder is also a trigger for those times when we were taken from each other, and that’s the darkest time in your life, as it is mine. Please don’t avoid me to avoid that reminder. We both deserve to heal, as much as possible, and we can’t heal if we avoid the pain of it. Let’s remember the good times, laugh at the funny moments we had, and smile as we recall the times we had together. They were the best of my life. I hope they were for you too. Let’s reminisce.
• DON’T LET THE WORLD AROUND YOU MAKE YOU INTO SOMETHING YOU KNOW ISN’T RIGHT. I always told you this. You will come across people who are not good people, who do bad things, and live sorry lives. Do not succumb to their influence. Be the bigger person. Stand up for your beliefs and your family, and for what’s right in life. Be the leader, the role model, set a good example and above all elder, do not be afraid to love deeply and show those you love how true it is. Love will always win. Lady karma is very real, stay on her good side.
• DIDN’T HIDE YOUR PAIN,l. Many men don’t feel safe on their feelings. They don’t cry. They see it as a sign of weakness. Don’t be afraid to feel your painful emotions. Embrace them, feel them, and heal them. You will never fully appreciate the good in life without experiencing the bad. Don’t fall victim to your part like I have. Acknowledge it, feel it, heal it, and change your legacy to love. Break the cycle of alienation we were victims of by loving yourself, your family, and life, to the fullest.
• LASTLY, BE THERE FOR YOUR SISTER, THE WAY MY BROTHER’S WERE NEVER THERE FOR ME. I often wonder how much different my life could have been if only one of my brothers were there for me at the times I desperately needed them. Don’t forsake your sister that way like my brothers did me. Be there for her at those dark times she’s lost. Protect and love her and help to lead her back to safety in her life. I gave the both of you life, you are of the same blood. Remember that. Love each other. Love each other’s kids. Create memories and legacies of love.

That day will come that I will no longer walk this earth. When it does, have no regrets. Know how much I love you am proud of you and who you are. You are enough. You are worthy. You are perfect in my eyes. Even if you have flaws, I don’t see them.

Be a good man to your loved ones, and cherish the time you have with them. Remember me in my good days, not in my pain.

I love you son

Mama