This is for my Daddy, who left me ten years ago today. RIP Daddy, I love you and need you more now than ever. You were a saint.
‘I see nothing in space as promising as the view from a Ferris wheel.’ EB White
“I am homesick!”, I said..
to the Big Guy above.
“Take me back to the places that I cannot go… to the time before my future became paved by such darkness that it turned me cold.”
If only my past could exist with tomorrow, but it does not fit.
I only want to be held – one more time – by my little-girl-hand
“ I want to remember a time before then. “
When they drew a prettier picture of me
& of life
Before they painted my face with dreaded fears that could fill up the sea with my shredded tears …
I watched the wind carry away my dreams …
They left me standing in the rain, in the beautiful afternoon storms lighting up the Florida skies
Oh, how I cry for the return of it all…
My tomorrows were not always covered by such pegged animosities.
my dreams were once filled with something more maternal…
I lost every known part of me when they destroyed who I used to be…
My everything stopped in that paralyzed year, left me yearning to hear my little boys voice again.
Its a haunting recollection that I now live with and it will never mend.
Had I stayed too long they would have only seen me as I crumbled, so I remained just long enough to let them watch me as I fluttered to the innocent touch of human skin.
I was startled by the losses of my family, my son, and then – all of them; Including my last loyal friend.
I have been battered & beaten until my soul is black & blue.
I spent many sleepless nights remembering the time before then.
I close my eyes recalling the moment when I said “I do”
& I promised
not to lie down & die in some distorted idea of “love”…
My life on a beachfront lair was widowed by the trusted hand of abandoned care & he sent me away
into a world
– so cold –
I was so scared as I drove away, utterly lost & unprepared.
I have been traveling since then.
From then until today- just trying to find my way home again.
i have been riding through time, alone & unaccompanied, and carrying many legal files & a few changes of clothes.
I have been fighting against a horrible sin.
i have met so many monsters of this life
& so many misrepresented women & men.
I am now an insignificant nonentity.
I am the shell of a woman with a numbed mind & lost soul.
Now, I have become so very cold .
I had to become that way… just so I could survive most days.
Even still, I have learned many things, in my new life….like, how there is a world out here that most of you will never understand.
It is a world so dark & cruel & it has imprinted itself on me & changed all that I am…
…on the inside.
I had hoped that it all would have ended & no matter how badly I tried to stop it all or how differently I wanted things to be, nothing went my way…
nothing at all.
The only thing that I had left to save me was my wish.
All I had left was my longing…
for a single ride into the sky.
I want to go on a journey with my two children, way up high.
I want to take them so far up there where I can protect them from witnessing the realities of this world below, where the dark truths that have tainted my crying eyes for five years now.
Up there, sin does not exist.
My sorrow has stained my face so that now I know only one remaining state of being called ‘existing’ in this god awful place .
I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I am seeking is only to find my children & take them to a Ferris Wheel to ride on so I can take them above it all.
We will find our way back to a safe place, far away from all the bad women & men of this world & we will be able to make new friends too.
“We will ride our troubles away, one day.”
I want to say to them.
I will forever recall the requiem of the day that he left me when they took him away.
It is as if it were yesterday, although, it was a decade ago in that month of May.
I cannot remember the goodbye that shadows my chronicled frustration, nor can I recall what was said, what he wore, or if I held him close enough in a hug so he knew my love.
I do not think I did.
My love was and is greater than all else of this world except one thing – the pain of losing him.
We did not know tomorrow would not come.
I did not know that was the end.
If only I had …
That day became infinite in time.
It made me so broken without hope that I ran away from everything. I ran away from me.
I ran back again & back & forth
I was just trying to bring him home to me.
I felt like I was missing something so I could not stand to stay still….
I want to tell him…
“Son, I love you so- I always have loved you. And I am here! I am waiting for you – I am on the last mile…”
I am holding out a carnival ticket that is frayed in tatters. Its ink is bleeding stained inverted markings on my fingers but to me it’s the ticket that is the only thing that matters.
“You see, it’s my ticket to freedom… “
I tell the young man at the entry gate.
“Freedom from what?” he asks.
He is obviously bewildered by my words.
Underneath my breath, I faintly whisper …
He looks confused, so I feel the need to explain.
“Please, I need admission for three, permission to go the place of childhoods deferred & to both of my children.”
My voice fades…
“…to our dreams postponed…”
“Lady… it’s getting late.”
“But I can see the ferris wheel right over there – just beyond the trees!!”
I resist the urge to become angry with him. So much so, I am remaining eerily calm.
My fist is clenching the last half of the ticket, it is soggy with sweat from the palm of my desperation.
I fall to my knees to beg him,
“Please, take my ticket, despite its disarray.”
My frustration is tearing it into two pieces, my one and only carnival ticket.
I implore this young man to take a moment, & listen.
“Please… it’s about my children & the truth..”
I must tell him how it is.
“You see, I want to fly my love …like an angel … to them… “
I must convince him…
“Please , will you let me ride on the Ferris Wheel with them?”
I cry myself awake to find myself that I’m really lost in another dream again.
The young man at the entrance gate is really my eight year old boy who shakes his head ‘no’ to me. He is silent, saying nothing as I wake up.
He just fades away…
It takes a moment for me to realize it was just a dream, and each morning when I do this, I mourn again.
There is no young man at the gate.
There is no Ferris- wheel beyond the trees…
I have looked and looked yet I have not found him yet.
I have not found our way home yet.
We have no home. .. to find…anymore.
I have not found the way to a ride on the Ferris wheel yet.
So for another day I lament yet again. Forced into accepting that the young man at the gate may never let the three of us in…
The shattered state of my crippled life, is, in actuality,
still just me…
existing as a broken mother whose love had dissolved into a tailspin struggle of nightly dreams, daily terrors, and a lifetime filled with hate.
I have fallen into a never ending toil for life & love.
I begged them to play no more games!
“Please!? No more manipulations…”
They laughed as they replaced me with the sound of a gavel slammed across my chest & then erased me. It shattered my heart & left me broken in two states of automaton. Finding it damn near impossible just to breathe by the sea.
My anger turned to God,who never seemed to answer me.
“Were you just too busy playing chess with Lucifer to stop them from making a mockery of me?!”
I asked, but, as usual, without receiving a response. So I got lost in my confusion & fond intent.
I fell beneath my hell bent dementia…as anyone with a heart like mine would do.
There I was alone with no family & all along in the lone star state. they all came together, in a wicked plan they made together, except for me.
They took my forever, in their masterful plan to take my little boy away, and it was even my brothers who were leaving a little sister as a grieving mother.
If i were thrown away like trash, or dumped in a ditch it’d be no different in the end than what they did to me.
I am their homicide victim (to be).
I was left for dead by their anti-positional secrets & greed.
They knew it will eventually be the death of me, it’s been killing me, slowly, in ways that cannot be seen .
They killed me, I’m just not dead yet – I am still bleeding out, it is what has happened and it’s what they did to me.
They were changing my sons name for some self-seeking egotistical gain & it sealed a fate for others. They can’t keep closed their Macbeth eyes, for what they all did.
It remains – unchanged for a decade.
I have waited so long for my turn to say what I have to say, and hopefully one day I will get my chance to mediate.
It makes no difference, big or small, lies are lies, and the truth shall be known, but so far nothing else was ever said.
Then, Big T watches & a Ferris Wheel stops one day….
a voice from the sky bellows down & becomes the proclamation of all those answers I seek, to end the Forever month of May …
and God says,
“There it is – the absolute pin…go ahead, young man at the gate, go ahead and let just three more in.”
I look up to the Heavenly sky in gratitude, and I hear the sinister laughter of a familiar kind…
I think to myself,
“God STILL didn’t answer me … He talked to him…”