It was 4 days before Christmas, 2004, when I arrived at my scheduled visit with my 8 year old son. The visitation center was getting ready to be closed until after the new year. I waited, and waited. I had driven over two hours in sleet and snow with an arm full of presents to give him for the holiday.
After about a half hour or so, the Director of Collin County CPS, Claudia King, came in to inform me that there would be no visit that day. When I asked why, she told me he “forgot” it was visitation day. I knew that could not be true.
When she proceeded to tell me it would be after the New Year before I could reschedule, I threw a fit and threatened to file emergency court papers if I did not get to see my son that week, before Christmas. She finally agreed to reschedule for the following day. Her reluctance was a red flag to me so I came the next day with a tape recorder and camera.
When my son arrived the following day, he was scantily clothed in a pair of shorts and a cut off red t shirt that had no sleeves. He wore no socks, and no jacket, and it was snowing that day. He had a pair of mittens on, pink girl mittens. His shirt had blood all over it. He had dried up blood in his nose. His eye was freshly cut, near his brow, and blood filed the whites of his eyeball.
The following are notes from that visit and the audio can be downloaded here.
I had only one more visit with him after that – a few months later.
It would be more than ten years before I was able to see him, or talk to him again. Once he was an adult. It was more than a decade after this and one other visit before I was allowed to see so much as a photograph of my son.
It was this visit that uncovered the abuse he suffered in that home. It was this visit that haunted me and became the story, “It’s Almost Tuesday”
I tell every family involved in the system that my advice, most of all, is to record as much as you can. Record everything!
If I hadn’t recorded this visit, I wouldn’t have been able to go back and listen to what he was telling me. I wouldn’t have had the proof of the abuse which my lawyer had to leverage good release from foster care.
Unfortunately my was released into the custody of our abuser and the parental alienation and brainwashing was set in motion. Our sacred mother/child bond was severed and our lives destroyed. my relationship with my son – as it stands today- (almost 2 decades later) is, I am almost certain, beyond repair. Barring a miracle.
Regardless, my child in these audio recordings was taken from me and forever gone. Nothing can give back that time. No amount of money, apologies, sanctions, not God, not Satan, not a judge, social worker- not a single person or thing can give back my little boy.
The best I got back was an adult version of my son, who is as broken as I am. Or more broken as I am. I don’t know hope broken he really is, and I may never know.
That haunts me every single day of my existence.
As for me, I was murdered in cold blood, just because I haven’t taken my final breath yet does not mean I was not murdered.
He was 8 years old in the following three audio recordings.
Below are notes from the transcript of these audio recordings.
The time stamps are the markers for each note.
Thank you for your support over the years.
4:25 my child tells me that he was not there the day before this visit. he was told that i never showed up the day before which was not true. I was there the day before to visit him and had been lied to by the director, Claudia King when she told me the day before that my son “forgot” that he had a visit.
5:30 my son describes the 3 of the other foster kids ganging up on him and the incident that occurred when they threw rocks at him in front of the foster mother
6:20 my son says “i’ve learned how to control my anger” he says – who has told him he needs to learn how to control his anger? That means to me that he’s getting angry and someone’s saying “You need to learn to control your anger!”
7:10 He asks “what sister?” . henn i ask about his visit and he tells me he sprained his ankle playing dodge ball at PE – Was he taken to the doctor?
7:56 I’m really ja…. piped up right now” he says … sounded like he was gonna say “jacked up” but he said “piped up” where did he learn those words?
8:39 – describes how they gave him pills he’s not supposed to take because they “forgot” and how it triggers his muscles and he can’t control his hands, and how it keeps him “going and going and going” and how its a “good thing” – is he being told in there that making my son a drug addict is a good thing?
14:28 I tell him to wear more clothes than sleeveless top and wet pants in the snow – he says that’s all the clothes he has, the rest are in the wash.
15:10 he shows me the camera he bought with a $50 gift card from a party (a party??)
The caseworker takes photos with the camera – I would like to have a copy of all pictures taken with that camera.
16:50 talks about being afraid to plug things in since being at his cousins… and cuts off into totally separate topics, obvious effect from the drugs of “speeding”
22:20 Argues with me about playing with fake guns and talks about the target his foster father set up and how his foster brother can shoot it “in the heart” over and over again. He says “everybody plays with fake guns”
24:30 mentions how foster parents don’t have much money. He said he got his foster sister to take pictures of his eye when he got beat up … who is the foster sister? where are the pictures?
he says the foster mother doesn’t look at the pictures they take.
25:15 He says he’s got a cold (did he go to the doctor?)
25:52 he says “I just want to hug you” and says “I only have a few more months until I’m out of foster care” he tells me that he won’t have to stay more than a year to a year and 1/2. Who is telling him this?? He says he worries that it’ll be too long before he gets out that they’re tearing apart his life.
26.55 his Daddy (stepfather) calls, and they won’t allow him to say Merry Christmas, even supervised. Ryan gets upset and starts crying. I tell Ryan his daddy misses him and he says “I miss him too”.
28:08 hear people crying in the background.
28:27 I tell him to be strong and tell him that alot of people love him.
28:29 Everything time I go home from a visit i just scream at my foster mom Cuz each time she walks in, it’s not you.
20:55 You okay? What are you thinking I’ll give you a penny for your thought?
He said I don’t know what I’m thinking – – well, i’ve been having visions. he talks about “visions”he’s been having, like the kind of visions Jesus Christ has.
Parental alienation Syndrome(PAS) is a controversial term introduced by child psychiatrist Richard Gardner in 1985 to describe a distinctive suite of behaviors in children that includes – showing extreme, but unwarranted, fear, disrespect or hostility towards a parent.
Parental alienation is the intentional targeting of a parent by the other parent to interfere in the parent/child relationship. This can also be perpetrated by another non-parent adult or caregiver who is present in the child’s life.
In its severest form it is referred to as”obsessed alienation”.
Parental Alienation Syndrome has been described as the brainwashing of the child’s mind, much like a cult leader would brainwash the cult members.
It is an intentional act with the goal being the interference with the relationship and affections between a child and the targeted parent.
This is a progressive unhinging of the affections, and an ongoing abuse that is difficult to detect. The longer the alienation is allowed to continue, the more damaging the long term effects will be.
If the alienation is allowed to continue uninterrupted for too long, the relationship can become so damaged it is irreparable.
Without strict intervention the parent/child bond will be unfixable. The bond will be forever severed.
In my case, the alienation began when my son turned 8 and we had been forced to move back to the same state my family lived in after my husband and I separated in 2003.
I became the targeted parent in 2004 in an unnatural campaign of hate by my own mother. She was, and still is, bitterly angry at me for reasons that had nothing to do with my son.
She also has unresolved issues from her own childhood.
Additionally, my older brothers, (two of which are successful attorneys in Texas) enabled her.
They continue to enable her to this very day.
She teamed up with my ex-husband and abuser, despite full knowledge that he was under investigation for multiple sex crimes against children. She partnered up with him, knowing I had a domestic violence permanent protective order against him to protect me and my son from being abused by him again.
The two of them – my own birth mother and my abuser ( let that sink in) worked together, and conspired and planned for several years, to ABDUCT my son, which they did on May 2, 2004.
They took him from church on mother’s day.
Again, think about that and let that sink in.
Imagine as a mother, having your 8 year old child, whom you’ve protected for those 8 years from an abusive man, taken from CHURCH ON MOTHER’S DAY, never to return home again...
The trauma is unbelievable.
The anger at God for failing to protect my child in His house of worship, and at my own blood family who stood idly by and allowed it to happen, is unquenchable.
Particularly because, as attorneys, I know they were able to stop it, but they didn’t.
In fact, since the day he was taken my three brothers and sister have not spoken one word to me . I became, effectively, erased.
I’ve spent years wondering why they didn’t stop her. Why I am so disposable to them..?
Big brothers are supposed to protect their baby sisters.
Right? So where were my brothers when I needed them?
When court ordered by the judge to return my son to me, they voluntarily placed my son in foster care to keep him from coming home.
He was abused in foster care.
As a defense, my mother and ex made false allegations of horrific acts of child abuse against me. The claims of abuse were brutal. Those allegations of abuse against me were never substantiated.
Had they been true, I would have been a monster to ever do anything to my child. I didn’t even believe in spanking my children.If anything, I was overprotective.
In retrospect, my (fatal) mistake was a belief that if i was truly innocent (which I was), then the system would not wrongly convict me.
I believed that without concrete proof of abuse, they would not take away my parental rights. I was a good, loving, attentive parent.
In other words, I believed in the system.
I believed in the United States Constitution and the rights of families to raise our children free of government interference.
I believed the government protected those rights.
I believed in the law.
I believed that cases were judged by their merit and on the weight of the evidence presented.
I had been foolishly NAIVE.
I learned the hard way that merit had nothing to do with it.
Until I saw for myself, first hand, I would have never known how crooked and corrupt the system can be.
I had no idea how flawed the family court system really is.
By the time I figured all of that out, it was too late.
Nevertheless the entire process of losing my son, and the campaign of alienation was so strong and severe (see obsessed alienation) it extended into my entire family.
My two brothers who are attorneys, my other brother and my sister, and all of their spouses, ALL failed to intervene . None of them attempted to stop the tactics my mother and ex had employed.
All of the members of my family knew the allegations against me were false and that my ex was under investigation for sex crimes.
It was over ten years before I saw or talked to my son again. I still have no contact whatever with any of my family. They are all in my son’s life though and I am not.
By the time I saw my son again- it was at my father’s wake. My father passed away in May of 2010- 5 years later – my son was not my little boy anymore but the shell of a damaged young man.
He has been on a self destructive path ever since.
What Is An Ambiguous Loss?
The grief associated with the loss of a child to P.A.S. is an experience so painful and deep. The loss is called ambiguous or an unresolved loss.
This type of loss is often described as an “ambiguous loss,” which is a term used to describe the nature of trauma, grief or mourning people endure when they have experienced a loss that is open-ended. (Boss, 1990).
Targeted Parents encountering alienation from their children are experiencing an open-ended loss. This type of loss is often times more difficult to come to terms with than the grief of morning a death.
When someone we love passes, the absence of the person is final and the mourner recognizes this finality.
In dealing with my grief, I have said many times that if my son had died, I could have layed him to rest, and grieved. I could have moved on, with a place to visit him, at his grave.
Of course I have heard the argument that as long as he is still alive, he is somewhere out there in the world. There is hope of a future in that. But is there?
At first, i believed that one day it would happen.
I visualized it.
We would embrace.
We would talk through the night, tell each other our stories and life experiences while we had been apart.
We would compare notes and both understand what happened to us.
We would hug and cry and get to know each other again. Then, one day, it happened.
I did reunite with my son. It was, to me, glorious, but not at all as I imagined.
He refused to talk about what happened, so I never have been able to tell him my side of things.
Instead he spoke of tall tales. Experiences that he has had that I can’t imagine could have been real.
He didn’t engage me, but talked over me and through me. He told me things almost to see if he could shock me.
He was a stranger.
It was only after that first reunification, that I saw how the years of brainwashing he endured (and STILL endures) have damaged him. Our bond that was once so close, was gone.
In fact, the harm done was so incredibly deep that I am struggling to accept that my years of hope had been nothing more than an illusion.
Is this really what my mother wanted to do to us? Did my family really think we deserve this pain?
Finding my son again only led to me losing him again.
It has been almost 17 years since our loss and I am grieving today, as deep, if not deeper than the day he went to church and never came home.
I lost him.
To learn more about ambiguous loss and ambiguous reunification, click here.
The following two pictures are of me before I lost my son, and during the initial months after he had been taken. In the moment of the most stressful times. (Warning, that picture is graphic, but an honest representation of the whole body response to stress and grief).
I was so affected by the loss of my son, my friends described me as “disconnected” when they talked to me. I spent the first few months writing over 1500 letters to anyone I could think of desperately begging for help. I would not allow myself even a moment to rest. I felt like I didn’t deserve to rest while my son was locked away in foster care.
The stress from the grief quickly landed me in a hospital having emergency surgery. The doctors had to drain an antibiotic-resistant infection from my eye socket and nasal cavities. The doctors said if it had reached my brain, it would have killed me. They said I was hours away from deaths door by the time I got to the emergency room.
It took almost a year before the scars on my face faded and I could bear to look in the mirror again.
I never was the same again. You can see it in the after picture below, I was dead inside.
I became someone new.
I became a mother, murdered. I became “she”.
Broken heart syndrome
The heartbreak of grief can increase blood pressure and the risk of blood clots. Intense grief can alter the heart muscle so much that it causes “broken heart syndrome,” a form of heart disease with the same symptoms as a heart attack.
Stress: What is it, exactly?
Stress links the emotional and physical aspects of grief.
The systems in the body that process physical and emotional stress overlap, and emotional stress can activate the nervous system as easily as physical threats can.
When stress becomes chronic, increased adrenaline and blood pressure can contribute to chronic medical conditions.
Research shows that emotional pain activates the same regions of the brain as physical pain. This may be why painkilling drugs ranging from opioids to Tylenol have been shown to ease emotional pain.
Depression is a mood disorder, not a normal part of grief
Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinicaldepression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems.
Depression is not a normal part of grief, but a complication of grief.
Sidney Zisook, MD, a grief researcher and professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Diego, says people can distinguish normal grief from depression by looking for specific emotional patterns.
“In normal grief, the sad thoughts and feelings typically occur in waves or bursts followed by periods of respite, as opposed to the more persistent low mood and agony of major depressive disorder,” Zisook says.
He says people usually retain “self-esteem, a sense of humor, and the capacity to be consoled or distracted from the pain” in normal grief, while people who are depressed struggle with feelings of guilt and feeling worthless.
They also feel a limited ability “to experience or anticipate any pleasure or joy.”
Complicated griefdiffers from both depression and normal grief. M. Katherine Shear, MD, a professor of psychiatry at Columbia University’s School of Social Work and director of its Center for Complicated Grief, defines complicated grief as “a form of persistent, pervasive grief” that does not get better naturally.
It happens when “some of the natural thoughts, feelings, or behaviors that occur during acute grief gain a foothold and interfere with the ability to accept the reality of the loss.”
What are the Symptoms of Complicated Grief?
Symptoms of complicated grief include persistent efforts to ignore the grief and deny or “rewrite” what happened.
Margaret Stroebe, PhD, a bereavement researcher and professor of clinical psychology at Utrecht University, says that recent research has shed light on many of “the cognitive and emotional processes underlying complications in grieving, particularly rumination.”
Research shows that rumination, or a repetitive, negative, self-focused thought, is actually a way to avoid problems.
People who ruminate shift attention away from painful truths by focusing on negative material that is less threatening than the truths they want to avoid.
This pattern of thinking is strongly associated with depression.
Rumination and other forms of avoidance demand energy and block the natural abilities of the body and mind to integrate new realities and heal.
Enduring the experience of parental alienation is also a profound psychological trauma experienced by the targeted parents. It is both acute and chronic, and externally inflicted. It is thus a type of domestic violence directed at the target parent. The fact that children witness such abuse of a parent also makes alienation a form of child abuse. The events that plunge a parent into the role of an alienated, targeted parent is especially damaging to those who are closely attached to their children and were actively involved in their lives.
Research by Stroebe, and others show that avoidance behavior makes depression, complicated grief, and the physical health problems that go with them more likely. Efforts to avoid the reality of loss can cause fatigue, weaken your immune system, increase inflammation, and prolong other ailments.
A Vicious Cycle of Passing on Childhood Traumas
Parental alienation is also a form of complex trauma. It is no coincidence that the pathology of the parent who engages in alienation is often born in complex trauma from the childhood of that parent, and that the current processes of attachment-based parental alienation are transferring onto the targeted parent a form of complex trauma. From a psychodynamic perspective, the processes of parental alienation represent a reenactment of the childhood attachment trauma of the alienating parent into the current family relationships.
When my mother was, herself, a child, she endured the loss of both parents. As an infant, her father passed away from a plane crash which decapitated him at the young age of 30.
My grandfather was the pilot of the plane that went down, killing him and leaving three young children without a father. The time period was the early 1930’s. It was a difficult time with WWI ending and with third Reich and Adolph Hitler’s Nazi Regime rising power in Germany.
The youngest of three children, my mother didn’t remember losing her father, but was only told about his death by her paternal grandmother. She had taken the three children following her son’s death, and kept them hidden away from their widowed mother who eventually died of cancer at age 39. In effect, my mother never knew either one of her parents, and developed psychiatric malformaties from the attachment traumas resulting from the loss of both parents in her own childhood.
Understanding that, I can understand where her own twisted justifications came from for taking my child. My mother is an extremely damaged woman as the direct result of being orphaned as a child. Still, knowing doesn’t make it less painful, heal it or make it any easier to come to terms with.
In fact, it’s the opposite. It is exactly her sad history of own traumatic childhood experiences that make it obvious to anyone looking in who knows her (such as my three older brothers and my older adopted sister) . They all know that what she’s done to me is wrong and she should have been forced to get help for her own issues rather than to be allowed to transfer them onto me via alienating my son from me. They know her family history. There is no excuse that any of them did nothing to stop her.
in my opinion, they are even more guilty of the P.A.S. abuse, as she is obviously sick and so sick, as a matter of fact, that she doesn’t even see it. A true indication it’s mental illness. My siblings, though, can all see it. They all know all too well how broken and mentally disturbed she is.
My father took care of her until his death, even though they were divorced, because, as he’d say, “I take care of her because I can remember her before she was so crazy”.
If any of them had stopped her, I might still have a relationship with my son. If any one of them had stopped her my son might have been able to grow up without being abused and traumatized by her.
I have heard from people who knew our family say that ‘if it weren’t for your mother, you might have actually had a good life.” and “She ruined your life, and you had such potential.” and “How sad it is what she did to you and your children”
I can’t count the times I’ve heard people say things like that.
People THAT KNEW HER.
Truth is, she murdered me with the full assistance of my brothers and sister.
Particularly me oldest brother, who actively funded and facilitated her murdering me. I may still be breathing but what she did, with my brother’s help, absolutely killed me.
If I could, I wouldd have them charged with the crime of murder.
They must strive to achieve the triumph of light over the darkness of trauma, and find their way out of the trauma experience being inflicted upon them. They must free themselves from the imposed trauma experience, restoring their psychological health within the immense emotional trauma of their grief and loss.
As much as targeted parents desperately want to save their children, they cannot rescue their children from the quicksand by jumping into the quicksand with them. If they do,they will both perish.
Who Am I now?
When i first lost my son, I was obsessively dedicated to fighting the system that allowed for him to be taken.
I spent thousands of dollars and worked tirelessly to file pleadings, write letters, join causes and support groups. You name it, I tried it.
In my obsession, I would say, “my son, [his name], repeatedly emphasising that he was MY SON, MY son. MY SON.
After some time, when the realizations began that said he wouldn’t be coming home .. he became my son (less his name), to my boy, the boy, the child.
I began to de-sensitive myself from being a mother of a child would never be coming home.
When [you lose] someone close to you – or someone close to you dies, your social role changes, too. This can affect your sense of meaning and sense of self.
Caregivers face especially complicated role adjustments. The physical and emotional demands of caregiving can leave them feeling depleted even before a loved one dies, and losing the person they took care of can leave them with a lost sense of purpose.
“Research shows that during intense caregiving periods, caregivers not only experience high levels of stress, they also cannot find the time and energy to look after their own health,” says Kathrin Boerner, PhD, a bereavement researcher and professor of gerontology at the University of Massachusetts in Boston.
This can result in the emergence of new or the reemergence of existing ‘dormant’ health problems after the death of the care recipient. These health issues may or may not be directly related to the caregiver’s grief experience, but they are likely related to the life situation that was created through the demands of caregiving,” Boerner says.
It can be hard to make life work again after a close family member dies. Losing a partner can mean having to move out of a shared home or having to reach out to other loved ones for help, which can further increase emotional stress and worry.
“Most often, normal grief does not require professional intervention,” says Zisook.
“Grief is a natural, instinctive response to loss, adaptation occurs naturally, and healing is the natural outcome,” especially with “time and the support of loved ones and friends.”
Grief researchers emphasize that social support, self-acceptance, and good self-care usually help people get through normal grief. Shear encourages people to “plan small rewarding activities and try to enjoy them as much as possible.”
But the researchers say people need professional help to heal from complicated grief and depression.
“The thing about grief and depression and sorrow and being suicidal is that you can’t reach out.
For many people going through a hard time, reaching out is impossible. If your friend is in grief, reach out to them. Do the legwork. They’re too exhausted!”
Credit…Sylwia Kapuscinski for The New York Times By Michael Winerip Sept. 23, 2007
THIS is a nice moment in Joe Rabiega’s life. At 31, he has a good job as a research coordinator for the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. He is happily married and feels blessed that his wife of five years, Tiffany, is pregnant with their first child.
His hope is to give that child a happier upbringing than the one he had. Mr. Rabiega’s parents divorced when he was 8, and though they were supposed to share custody, he said, his father, a truck driver with a drinking problem, did everything possible to turn him against his mother and eventually kept him from seeing her.
“He bullied my mother into giving up custody,” Mr. Rabiega said. When he was still allowed to visit his mother, he’d have to stay by the phone to take a call from his father at 4 every afternoon and 8 each evening. He said his father trained him to spy on his mother’s socializing and spending habits.
“His ability to manipulate her was so lopsided, it never got to the point where a court heard it,” he said in a phone interview. “His threats of violence made it clear she’d never get me.”
Continue reading the main story For several years, he said, until his late teens, he didn’t see his mother and believed everything his father said about her.
“He took me to the police station and told them my mother abandoned me, even though it was completely not true,”
Mr. Rabiega said. “He had the entire neighborhood convinced that my mother no longer wanted me.
“He had me convinced without him, I had nobody,” Mr. Rabiega said. “When he’d been drinking, he’d get out his gun and threaten to kill himself if I left him.”
Thanks for reading The Times. Subscribe to The Times It wasn’t until Mr. Rabiega was an adult that he began to see his mother in a different light, he said. “She was a seamstress in a garment factory who didn’t graduate from high school. She was weak, no one to guide her, no money, no education, no resources to fight for me.” At one point, he said, she attempted suicide.
Mr. Rabiega is one of 40 research subjects in a new book by Amy J. L. Baker, about parents who turn a child against the other parent, “Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome.” Dr. Baker, the research director of the Vincent J. Fontana Center for Child Protection at the New York Foundling, does not identify the subjects by their real names, but Mr. Rabiega (called Jonah in the book) agreed to let his name be used for this column. “If this can help people, it’s worth it,” he said. “I really compare what I went through to people who are kidnapped and brainwashed.”
Continue reading the main story Most people would agree that one parent has the power to turn a child against the other parent; however, classifying the behavior as a mental health syndrome, as Dr. Baker does, has met with considerable criticism in the past.
“It’s been a very controversial area,” said Dr. Baker, 48, who lives in Teaneck, N.J., and has a doctorate in psychology from Teachers College at Columbia.
Dr. Baker’s book is written in an academic style and sticks closely to the stories of the 40 adult subjects, ages 19 to 67, who describe being wrongfully manipulated by a parent.
It is an attempt to take the sensationalism out of the subject. Accusations of such manipulation have been an issue during high-profile celebrity custody battles, like the ones involving Woody Allen and Mia Farrow and Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.
There is none of that in Dr. Baker’s book, which includes a seven-page bibliography of scholarly research. Instead, she tells the stories of ordinary people like Mr. Rabiega, struggling into their adult years with the damage they describe from having been manipulated into hating a parent.
While most research has focused on children, Dr. Baker looks at these children once they’ve become adults. A key question she set out to answer: Do any of these kids grow up and figure it out? “That I can answer yes,” she said. “I can’t say how prevalent it is, but I have found lots of people.”
Some of what she found undercut earlier research. When therapists first described the behavior in the 1980s, they talked about it as manipulation by mothers to punish fathers. This drew criticism from some women’s groups, who dismissed the syndrome as something concocted by lawyers for abusive fathers trying to improve their custody chances.
Continue reading the main story Dr. Baker said her research — both for the book and with several hundred subjects over the last five years — indicates a mother or father is equally likely to do the manipulating. It is “truly 50-50,” she said.
Other patterns emerged from her 40 subjects: 75 percent were the products of divorce, and 58 percent were divorced themselves;
70 percent suffered depression; 35 percent developed problems with drugs or alcohol.
And perhaps the saddest: Half of the 28 who had children said they were estranged from their own children.
Dr. Baker believes the behavior is prevalent enough to qualify as a syndrome in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the bible of the American Psychiatric Association. While that’s not going to happen soon — the manual won’t be revised again until 2012 — she hopes her research might cause social workers and therapists who investigate custody cases to be more aware.
“If you believe it’s possible for a child to be brainwashed by one parent, the job of a custody evaluator is a lot harder,” she said.
The challenges in such cases can be daunting. How do you know if the scorned parent is being unfairly victimized or if that parent is abusive and deserves to be scorned? “It’s a lot of investigating, and there’s no one definitive tool,” Dr. Baker said.
Some of that investigative muscle is missing from her own research. Dr. Baker did not interview parents for their version of events, nor did she cite independent sources like court records that could corroborate the stories.
“I did what I could,” she said. “This is just one study. It’s a very new field and there’s little research. The point is to give voice to these people who have not been heard.”
It is also hard to get people to talk publicly about family dysfunction. Mr. Rabiega was willing to speak partly because both his parents are dead.
He said that when he was in his 20s, he again developed a relationship with his mother, but that his father’s “brainwashing” had been so strong, he couldn’t entirely overcome it.
“It was hard for me to fully love my mom,” he said. “If she needed me to do something or needed money, I didn’t want to and I’d get angry. My father implanted a disgust and disdain in me for my mother that wouldn’t go away and tainted our relationship.”
Ten years of therapy helped, he said, as did his wife and finding religion. “It helped when I reconnected with my mom, she held nothing against me,” he said. “She reiterated it was my father’s fault, and I had no choice.”
“Unfortunately,” he said, “I realized a lot after my mother died.”
This is for my Daddy, who left me ten years ago today. RIP Daddy, I love you and need you more now than ever. You were a saint.
‘I see nothing in space as promising as the view from a Ferris wheel.’ EB White
“I am homesick!”, I said..
to the Big Guy above.
“Take me back to the places that I cannot go… to the time before my future became paved by such darkness that it turned me cold.”
If only my past could exist with tomorrow, but it does not fit.
I only want to be held – one more time – by my little-girl-hand
in my Daddy’s comforting grip.
“ I want to remember a time before then. “
When they drew a prettier picture of me & of life & love;
Before they painted my face with dreaded fears that could fill up the sea with my shredded tears …
I watched the wind carry away my dreams …
They left me standing in the rain, in the beautiful afternoon storms lighting up the Florida skies
Oh, how I cry for the return of it all…
My life… & love.
My tomorrows were not always covered by such pegged animosities.
my dreams were once filled with something more maternal…
I lost every known part of me when they destroyed who I used to be…
My everything stopped in that paralyzed year, left me yearning to hear my little boys voice again.
Its a haunting recollection that I now live with and it will never mend.
Had I stayed too long they would have only seen me as I crumbled, so I remained just long enough to let them watch me as I fluttered to the innocent touch of human skin.
I was startled by the losses of my family, my son, and then – all of them; Including my last loyal friend.
I have been battered & beaten until my soul is black & blue.
I spent many sleepless nights remembering the time before then.
I close my eyes recalling the moment when I said “I do”
& I crossed my heart
& I promised
not to lie down & die in some distorted idea of “love”…
My life on a beachfront lair was widowed by the trusted hand of abandoned care & he sent me away
into a world
– so cold –
I was so scared as I drove away, utterly lost & unprepared.
I have been traveling since then.
From then until today- just trying to find my way home again.
i have been riding through time, alone & unaccompanied, and carrying many legal files & a few changes of clothes.
I have been fighting against a horrible sin.
i have met so many monsters of this life
& so many misrepresented women & men.
I am now an insignificant nonentity.
I am the shell of a woman with a numbed mind & lost soul.
Now, I have become so very cold .
I had to become that way… just so I could survive most days.
Even still, I have learned many things, in my new life….like, how there is a world out here that most of you will never understand.
It is a world so dark & cruel & it has imprinted itself on me & changed all that I am…
…on the inside.
I had hoped that it all would have ended & no matter how badly I tried to stop it all or how differently I wanted things to be, nothing went my way…
nothing at all.
The only thing that I had left to save me was my wish.
All I had left was my longing…
for a single ride into the sky.
I want to go on a journey with my two children, way up high.
I want to take them so far up there where I can protect them from witnessing the realities of this world below, where the dark truths that have tainted my crying eyes for five years now.
Up there, sin does not exist.
My sorrow has stained my face so that now I know only one remaining state of being called ‘existing’ in this god awful place .
I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I am seeking is only to find my children & take them to a Ferris Wheel to ride on so I can take them above it all.
We will find our way back home from there.
We will find our way back to a safe place, far away from all the bad women & men of this world & we will be able to make new friends too.
“We will ride our troubles away, one day.”
I want to say to them.
I will forever recall the requiem of the day that he left me when they took him away.
It is as if it were yesterday, although, it was a decade ago in that month of May.
I cannot remember the goodbye that shadows my chronicled frustration, nor can I recall what was said, what he wore, or if I held him close enough in a hug so he knew my love.
I do not think I did.
My love was and is greater than all else of this world except one thing – the pain of losing him.
We did not know tomorrow would not come.
I did not know that was the end.
If only I had …
That day became infinite in time.
It made me so broken without hope that I ran away from everything. I ran away from me.
I ran back again & back & forth
I was just trying to bring him home to me. I felt like I was missing something so I could not stand to stay still….
I want to tell him…
“Son, I love you so- I always have loved you. And I am here! I am waiting for you – I am on the last mile…”
I am holding out a carnival ticket that is frayed in tatters. Its ink is bleeding stained inverted markings on my fingers but to me it’s the ticket that is the only thing that matters.
“You see, it’s my ticket to freedom… “
I tell the young man at the entry gate.
“Freedom from what?” he asks.
He is obviously bewildered by my words.
Underneath my breath, I faintly whisper …
He looks confused, so I feel the need to explain.
“Please, I need admission for three, permission to go the place of childhoods deferred & to both of my children.”
My voice fades…
“…to our dreams postponed…”
“Lady… it’s getting late.”
“But I can see the ferris wheel right over there – just beyond the trees!!”
I resist the urge to become angry with him. So much so, I am remaining eerily calm.
My fist is clenching the last half of the ticket, it is soggy with sweat from the palm of my desperation.
I fall to my knees to beg him,
“Please, take my ticket, despite its disarray.”
My frustration is tearing it into two pieces, my one and only carnival ticket.
I implore this young man to take a moment, & listen.
“Please… it’s about my children & the truth..”
I must tell him how it is.
“You see, I want to fly my love …like an angel … to them… “
I must convince him…
“Please , will you let me ride on the Ferris Wheel with them?”
I cry myself awake to find myself that I’m really lost in another dream again.
The young man at the entrance gate is really my eight year old boy who shakes his head ‘no’ to me. He is silent, saying nothing as I wake up.
He just fades away…
It takes a moment for me to realize it was just a dream, and each morning when I do this, I mourn again.
There is no young man at the gate.
There is no Ferris- wheel beyond the trees…
I have looked and looked yet I have not found him yet.
I have not found our way home yet.
We have no home. .. to find…anymore.
I have not found the way to a ride on the Ferris wheel yet.
So for another day I lament yet again. Forced into accepting that the young man at the gate may never let the three of us in…
The shattered state of my crippled life, is, in actuality,
still just me…
existing as a broken mother whose love had dissolved into a tailspin struggle of nightly dreams, daily terrors, and a lifetime filled with hate.
I have fallen into a never ending toil for life & love.
I begged them to play no more games!
“Please!? No more manipulations…”
They laughed as they replaced me with the sound of a gavel slammed across my chest & then erased me. It shattered my heart & left me broken in two states of automaton. Finding it damn near impossible just to breathe by the sea.
My anger turned to God,who never seemed to answer me.
“Were you just too busy playing chess with Lucifer to stop them from making a mockery of me?!”
I asked, but, as usual, without receiving a response. So I got lost in my confusion & fond intent.
I fell beneath my hell bent dementia…as anyone with a heart like mine would do.
There I was alone with no family & all along in the lone star state. they all came together, in a wicked plan they made together, except for me.
They took my forever, in their masterful plan to take my little boy away, and it was even my brothers who were leaving a little sister as a grieving mother.
If i were thrown away like trash, or dumped in a ditch it’d be no different in the end than what they did to me.
I am their homicide victim (to be).
I was left for dead by their anti-positional secrets & greed.
They knew it will eventually be the death of me, it’s been killing me, slowly, in ways that cannot be seen .
They killed me, I’m just not dead yet – I am still bleeding out, it is what has happened and it’s what they did to me.
They were changing my sons name for some self-seeking egotistical gain & it sealed a fate for others. They can’t keep closed their Macbeth eyes, for what they all did.
It remains – unchanged for a decade.
I have waited so long for my turn to say what I have to say, and hopefully one day I will get my chance to mediate. It makes no difference, big or small, lies are lies, and the truth shall be known, but so far nothing else was ever said.
Then, Big T watches & a Ferris Wheel stops one day….
a voice from the sky bellows down & becomes the proclamation of all those answers I seek, to end the Forever month of May …
and God says,
“There it is – the absolute pin…go ahead, young man at the gate, go ahead and let just three more in.”
I look up to the Heavenly sky in gratitude, and I hear the sinister laughter of a familiar kind… I think to myself,
DALLAS – For nearly a decade,Judge Andrea Plumleehas presided over the 330th Judicial District Court in Dallas County. And in that time, the family court judge has racked up quite a few reversals at the appellate level, with justices frequently finding that she has abused her discretion.
One of Judge Plumlee’s earlier corrections came in 2013 in the matter of the marriage of Jesus and Maria Villa.
Judge Plumlee entered a default judgment against Jesus Villa, even though the court record shows the trial court did not notify him of the default judgment hearing.
The Fifth Court of Appeals found that Judge Plumlee entered the default divorce decree in violation of Jesus Villa’s due process rights.
In the case of In re Young, the Fifth Court found Judge Plumlee abused her discretion by ordering genetic testing, even though the statute of limitations for such testing had expired.
When pieced together, Judge Plumlee’s appellate history shows a pattern of her exceeding her authority, according to an opinion issued by the Fifth Court on March 11, 2019.
The case was titledIn the interest of D.T., a child, where Judge Plumlee ordered the father to pay $1,450 in child support. The Fifth Court reversed because the amount did not appear to be based on either the evidence or on the mother’s request.
Some of Judge Plumlee’s rulings seem to be shaped outside the guidelines of the Texas Family Code.
For example, in the case ofIn re Foreman, the Fifth Court found Judge Plumlee was required to transfer the case out of her court pursuant to the Texas Family Code.
“The undisputed evidence showed that the children’s principal residence on the date the petition was filed and during the six month period preceding the commencement of the suit was Collin County,” states the Fifth Court’s Jan. 9, 2014 opinion. “Under those circumstances, transfer is mandatory…”
Several other instances of Judge Plumlee being reversed on appeal remain on file.
And while the judge has declined to return a request for comment on her past rulings, at least one man had something to say on social media.
On June 22, 2018, Luke Spencer made aFacebook postto the State Bar of Texas page, stating that Judge Plumlee put his wife in jail for protecting her kids.
“Judge Plumlee has made it clear that she is not interested in anything my Wife has to say, and claims that she is a liar as well as the children,” wrote Spencer.
“The judge will not allow the children to speak on their own behalf, and has belittled them. I wanted this information to be known by the State Bar of Texas due to the demonstration of the lack of being fair and impartial…”
Life isn’t always fair, every five year old knows that, but fairness and impartiality is something one should expect from any judge, saysLangston Adams, a Texas attorney who practices family, criminal and civil law.
“When I go before a family court judge, I expect what I expect from any judge – for them to be fair and follow the law,” Adams said.
Adams says that in his experience he’s found most family court judges to be fair, despite not every case ending in a win.
“You’re not always going to get the result the client wants … but it’s rare when I see a family law case go up on appeal.
Adams, who has been practicing law since 2002, says he’s only had one appeal in a family law case.
“Most of my appeals have stemmed from criminal cases,” he added.
Since 2011, the year Judge Plumlee first started presiding over the 330th, approximately 108 cases out of her court have been appealed.
I remember, before CPS came into my life, how we spent the holidays with my son. I didn’t lose him until he was 8 years old, so as the years progressed from his birth until then, I wanted the holidays to become bigger than life the older he got.
The last year I had him, for example, Santa Claus delivered all his toys as he slept, in an all sports-related theme.
In our living room, my son woke to huge Nerf football goal posts on each end of our living room. Between the goal posts, Santa also left him an air hockey table made for kids, and a full size basketball free throw arcade game.
As my son awoke from his slumber his eyes went from half lidded to bright and wide as he found the magically fantastic wonderment that made the holidays what they were.
The night before Christmas, we had lined our yard with paper bags with lights, and sprinkled the grass wish oatmeal and glitter – reindeer food. My son knew the more oatmeal he spread would glisten and lure Dasher, Dancer and the rest of Rudolph’s crew to our house.
We baked cookies and left them out with milk and a note on the table for Santa.
My satisfaction as his Mama was the moments i cherished watching his sleepy eyes saw the goodies that was left in appreciation for how well he behaved all year.
In the week that ensued, Christmas became new years, with resolutions for self empowerment, self discipline and the hope for something better than the year before.
Of course, for my son, it was the excitement of getting to stay up late to drink apple juice as we drank champagne and did the traditional toast and kisses at midnight and the magical ball dropped in New York- which we always watched on TV.
The phone calls would then follow, calling all our family in our home state of Texas that we had leftt many years before. For an hour, out phone was our heartline to wish them a happy New Years… with the exuberant aspirations that believing in the mainstream world brings to the all-American middle class folx of times past.
So once the excitement died down, my son would innocently sleep soundly until the noise of the televised new year’s day parade would wake him.
Our home was filled with the scent of black eyed peas slow cooking in the kitchen and the sounds of men watching football as the women cooked and drank wine. All in the name of expecting good luck for the year to come.
Bigger than life.
That was my goal.
To make the magic of the holidays last forever in my son’s memories of his childhood.
Was I successful?
Only my son can say.
Our relationship was interrupted. Our traditions, severed, and the life as we knew it, deferred.
I remember the first time I spent new year’s alone – after CPS came into my life. No apple juice or champagne, no phone calls from family, for they failed to support me or be there for me once I lost my son, I had no more kisses for I was utterly alone, and no reason to celebrate, or cook,, or expect good luck.
My resolutions for the year to come had become a quest to merely survive myself.
Who was I?
I had become she.
It is now 15 years post-CPS. my life has come back to me.
I’m settled now in a marriage to a man who never knew me before the loss of my son. He only knows the stories I tell him over and over again in my post traumatic afterlife. it still hurts like it did the day he was taken,I won’t lie .
My kids are now two dogs that I spoil rotten, and new year’s eve consists of cuddling with them until midnight, watching the replay of the ball drop since I’m three time zones away now in California, talking about the crowd and how fearful we would be to ever consider going to such a celebration in this day and age.
we kiss goodnight.
Normally my daughter would call me but this year she’s suspended her family traditions due to the flu. She and her husband now understand the life as a family trying to create memories for her children.
My son and I did finally reunite… but as is sadly common in ambiguous losses – the reunification has been difficult, and hard for us both. Well I assume for us both, but I suppose I can only speak for myself. Its highlighted in my healing from the grief how many spaces there are between us – spaces that didn’t exist before CPS came into our lives.
Still, I relive our beautiful years together in many stories I tell my husband over and over again. I tell him about the apple juice and hope had back then, and he always listens even though allot of it he’s heard before. He sits with me, in those moments of mine, quietly reflecting, as I now pray that my son is safe tonight.
On the east coast, it’s the witching hour- 3am – when the year turns on the clock for me . Allot can happen n in the three hours past the ball dropping over New York City for a young man in his 20s now. A huge country away from me.
I kiss my husband goodnight here in Cali.
I will always hurt somewhere in my soul.
The morning of parades is gone for me, erased by the loss when CPS came into my life, though, as if they were yesterday, I still remember how it sounded. How it felt.
the hope is now that where ever he is, he is safe, and living a simple life, feeling content, and that this year will be better for him than the last.
As the saying goes – someone shot nostalgia in the back. Some one shot our innocence – in the shadow of a smile.
I hope my daughter recovers swiftly from The big that had invaded her holidays this year and her family succeeds and finds a prosperous life this year in everything they do.
I watch my husband vacuum, feed my dogs, and remind myself to pick up a can of black eyed peas before dinner, as we need all the luck we can get, in this day and age .
Oh the nostalgia of life.
It’s Almost Tuesday wishes all a happy and safe New Year in 2020.
In this divided society, I remind you to please be diligent, and be kind to each other. it may be the only thing to save us in this day and age.
If my children are reading this, know I love you more than all the stars above .
Intentional alienation of a child against oneparentis absolutely wrong and virtually unforgivable.
note: This article describes the relationships between conflicting parents and the children – but it’s vitally important to remember that the targeted parent and child whose affections are alienated can also be the victims of others they are in a high conflict relationship with- such as a grandparent who has, for whatever reason, decided to destroy the parent/child bond with these tactics.
In many cases, others may witness this alienation as it occurs but, despite knowing that it is wrong, or feeling sad for the harm being done, they do not interfere or attempt to stop the alienation. Maybe they think it’s none of their business, or maybe they feel they have no standing, or maybe they, too, are intimidated by the abuser.
Standing idly by without a word can be potentially catastrophic with irreparable consequences for both the child and the targeted parent.
While any application which flows from a suspicion of alienation will be costly and worsen the conflict between the parents, it is urgent that the alienation be stopped immediately if its long-term impact is to be avoided”
The Difference Between an Estranged Cold and an Alienated Child
An estranged child is not the same thing as an alienated child. Parental alienation is AN INTENTIONAL ACT OF CHILD ABUSE, often with permanent lifelong negative effects.
The difference between an estranged child and an alienated child is that an estranged child has grown apart from theparentfor reasons that are, to be blunt, reasonable and realistic.
An alienatedchild, however, is the victim of oneparent‘s efforts to destroy thechild‘s relationship with the otherparent.
An estranged child is either absolutely ambivalent about the otherparentor enraged by the otherparent. These feelings are, however, justified by thechild‘s experience of the separation or by thechild‘s experience of thatparent.
These children are usually estranged as a result of:
witnessing violence committed by thatparentagainst the otherparent,
being the victim of abuse from thatparent,
theparent‘s persistently immature and self-centered behaviour,
theparent‘s unduly rigid and restrictive parenting style, and/or
theparent‘s own psychological or psychiatric issues.
The point here is that the feelings of estranged children are based on thechild‘s lived experiences. In cases of estrangement, thechild‘s rejection of aparentisreasonable, and is an adaptive and protective response to theparent‘s behaviour.
The feelings of alienated children, however, are neither reasonable nor the result of the rejectedparent‘s conduct
Alienated children usually reject aparentwithout guilt or sadness and without an objectively reasonablecause.
The children’s views of the alienatedparentare usually grossly distorted and exaggerated.
Alienation is most easily defined as the complete breakdown of achild‘s relationship with aparentas a result of the otherparent‘s efforts to turn a child against thatparent.
Typically, alienation begins to show itself as a problem when the parents are involved in extremely bitter and heated litigation. Not every case of high conflict litigation involves alienation, but alienation can and does happen.
A 1991 study by the American Bar Association found indications of alienation in the majority of 700 high conflictdivorcecases studied over 12 years..
In some circumstances, alienation can amount to child abuse.
As J.M. Bone and M.R. Walsh put it in their article “Parental Alienation Syndrome: How to detect it and what to do about it,” published in 1999 in theFlorida Bar Journal, 73(3): 44–48 I, usually because of aninterim orderor some other sort of temporary arrangement.
The sorts of behaviours that suggest an intention to alienate a child from the otherparentinclude, among other things:
making negative comments about the otherparentto thechild,
stating or implying that the child is in danger when with the otherparent,
grilling the child about their activities, meals, and living conditions when with the otherparent,
stating or implying that the activities, meals, and living conditions offered by the otherparentare deficient or problematic,
setting up activities that the child will enjoy during times when the child is with the otherparent,
telling the child that it’s up to them to decide whether to visit the otherparent, and/or
stating or implying that the child is being abused or maltreated by the otherparent.
The consequences of parental alienation or attempted alienation can be quite profound.
Alienation at its best is a form of psychological programming; at worst, it’s brainwashing.
Alienation may result in the permanent destruction of achild‘s relationship with aparentand in long-lasting psychological problems for the alienatedchild.
In their article, Bone and Walsh conclude that when alienation has been identified, the solution is to deal with it immediately:
“When attempted [parental alienation syndrome] has been identified, successful or not, it must be dealt with swiftly by the court. If it is not, it will contaminate and quietly control all other parenting issues and then lead only to unhappiness,frustration, and, lastly, parental estrangement. …
The study by Johnston and Campbell described children with strong alignments as “forfeiting their childhood” because of the adult role they are forced to play when they become thealienatingparent‘s nurturer, ally, and support system.
Dr. Rand notes that:
“Divorce almost inevitably burdens children with greater responsibilities and makes them feel less cared for. Children of chronically troubled parents bear a greater burden. … The needs of the troubledparentoverride the developmental needs of thechild, with the result that the child becomes psychologically depleted and their own emotional and social progress is crippled.”
While the process of alienation is underway, children are subject to a tremendous conflict of loyalties, which compounds the burden of nurturing an emotionally troubledparent, particularly when the alienation is intentional.
When the parents were together, their children loved them both, and children naturally desire for this to continue even when their parents aren’t together. Alienating conduct essentially asks children to pick sides, to chose oneparentpermanently and irrevocably over the otherparent.
being less able to conceptualize complex situations.
Finally, when the process of alienation is complete, the child will have chosen sides.
Thechild‘s relationship with the otherparentmay be permanently impaired. While many children afflicted by alienation will recover in their mid- to late-teens and reach out to the otherparent, some never do, and their relationship with the otherparentis permanently destroyed.
-an unforgivable intentional act of malice –
child abuse in a most destructive form….
To quote from thejudgein a 2005 Ontariocase,Cooper v. Cooper, 2004 CanLII 47783 (ON SC):
“I find that [the mother’s] sabotaging actions have been knowing, wilful and deliberate. As a result of [her] behaviour, the children have little or no relationship with the father who loves them, who has tried to be a good father, and who has been a good provider throughout their lives.”
Whileevidenceof alienation is necessary before a court can make a determination that it has occurred or make orders to ameliorate it, the impact of that behaviour or theallegationthat it has occurred can give rise to situations where children become actively involved in the courtaction.
Parents often find themselves feeling closer to their children following separation than they did during the relationship. Dr. Rand says that fathers in particular find a greater reward in parenting as a result of the loss, loneliness, and feelings of failure that can follow from the breakdown of the relationship.
Accordingly, the impact of parental alienation is particularly traumatic to the targetedparent.
D.S. Huntington, in an article published in 1986 inDivorce and Fatherhood, noted that some parents can be driven off by achild‘s apparent rejection and refusal to visit.
J.W. Jacobs, in a different article in the same book, says that targeted parents may also voluntarily withdraw from thechild‘s life where, in their view, the child would suffer if thecustodyissues were pursued, or if the child would be exposed to additional conflict between the parents. Contributing to the problem
Johnston has described ways that a targetedparentcan inadvertently contribute to thechild‘s alienation by displaying the sorts of behaviours that thealienatingparenthas taught the child to expect. These sorts of behaviours include: being cold and emotionally distant; being rigid and controlling; being insensitive to thechild‘s needs; and, not being empathetic.
These sorts of behaviours may reinforce thealienatingparent‘s position and make the environment provided by thealienatingparentcompare favourably to that of the targtedparent.
In cases that are profoundly high conflict, false claims may be made, usually by thealienatingparent, that the otherparenthas sexually or physically abused thechild. Sometimes this is the fruit of the paranoia with which thealienatingparentviews the otherparent, when a diaper rash turns into sexual assault and a bruise from falling off a jungle gym turns intoproofof a beating.
Sometimes, however, false claims are a part of the campaign to alienate the otherparentwhen the alienation is intentional.
For the targetedparent, claims of this nature are devastating because they are so very difficult to disprove and they attack the moral fitness of theparentin a fundamental and humiliating way.
While theclaimis being defended, however, theparentmay spend months without seeing theirchild. Even if theclaimcan be disproven, theparentmay find that so much time has been lost that their relationship with the child is damaged. (Note that even unproven claims may result in arrest and possible criminal charges. Even where there are no criminal charges, aparentwho has been arrested is invariably released following arrest on a promise not tocontactthe otherparentor thechild.)
Interestingly, K.L. Ross and G.J. Blush, in an article published in 1990 inIssues in Child Abuse Allegations, observed that falsely accused parents typically displayed passive behaviour in contrast to the accuser’s excitable and hysterical behaviour.
An American attorney Dr. Rand mentions says that the falsely accused parents she represents in parental alienation cases are typically emotionally and financially stable people, who were often thechild‘s primaryparentbeforeseparation.
So how do you deal with an alienated child??
When a child is becoming estranged or alienated, or when parental alienation is suspected, the situation must be dealt with as soon as possible.
In most cases, these sorts of problems occur in the context of ongoing litigation, and the problem can usually be dealt with in the context of that litigation.
Section 211 of theFamily Law Actallows a court toorderthat a Needs of the Child Assessment, formerly called a Custody and Access Report, be prepared. If the otherparentwill not agree to the preparation of a Needs of the Child Assessment, you must apply for anorderthat the report be prepared.
Proper Needs of the Child Assessments are prepared by a psychologist or a psychiatrist, or another mental health professional, who interviews each of the parents separately, and then interviews the child twice, once in the presence of eachparent. The assessor may also give the children and the parents certain common psychological tests, such as personality evaluations and parenting inventories.
Most often it’s only the parents who are tested. The assessor will then prepare a report that sets out their observations and recommendations.
In making anorderthat a Needs of the Child Assessment be prepared, the court can simply say “a report will be prepared” or it can be more detailed and discuss which person will prepare the report, when it will be finished, and who will pay for it. Most importantly, theordercan identify particular issues that the assessor is to address in the report.
Where a report is sought because of suspected parental alienation, theordershould expressly state that the assessor is to see whether alienation is or is not happening.
Can you fix the problem?
Frankly, it may be impossible to fix achild‘s alienation from one of their parents even when alienation has been identified by a psychiatrist.
In a 1988 article by N.R. Palmer published in theAmerican Journal of Family Therapy, Palmer quotes a Floridajudgewho dealt with an alienationcase:
“The Court has no doubt that the cause of the blind, brainwashed, bigoted belligerence of the children toward the father grew from the soil nurtured, watered and tilled by the mother.
The Court is thoroughly convinced that the mother breached every duty she owed as the custodialparentto the noncustodialparentof instilling love, respect and feeling in the children for their father. Worse, she slowly dripped poison into the minds of these children, maybe even beyond the power of this Court to find the antidote.”
Dr. Gardner’s solution was to remove the child from the care of thealienatingparent. This is, in most cases, a drastic solution which forces the child to live full-time with theparentthey have been taught to dislike and distrust.
It may still be appropriate in the right circumstances.
This is what the Supreme Court did in the 2009 case ofA.A. v. S.N.A., 2009 BCSC 303 when it found that the mother had “continued to undermine the relationship between [thechild] and her father” and “acted in ways that are detrimental to [thechild‘s] psychological healing.”
The court ordered that the child have nocontactwith her mother at all for one year. This kind of solution remains the exception rather than the rule.
In most cases, however, the best that can be done to cure the problem is to obtain anorderrequiring that thechild, the alienatedparent, or both the child and theparentsee a family counsellor skilled in dealing with the psychological effects ofseparation. The court can specify who the counsellor will be, how frequent the sessions will be, and who will pay for them.
There is no guarantee that counselling will fix the problem since the source of the problem lies in the conduct of thealienatingparent, but counselling is a less drastic step and will be easier to obtain than anorderchanging the children’s home.
In a small number of cases, it may prove impossible to ameliorate an alienatedchild‘s views about the targetedparent. These cases are tragic and a legal solution may not be available.
When the alienation becomes deeply entrenched, the issue about whichparentbears the blame for the children’s views is irrelevant.
You can lay blame, but that won’t change the fact of how the children feel. In situations like this, the targetedparentmay have no choice but to wait until the children become mature and independent enough to seek out theparentand talk about their childhood.
The Fall 2008 edition ofAFCC News, an organ of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts, discusses a ground-breaking program for alienated and estranged children called Breaking Barriers Camp. The program involved all family members in intensive therapy in an overnight camp setting at a facility called Common Ground Center in Starksboro, Vermont, with enormous amounts of support available to encourage reunification between parents and their children.
The program, by the article’saccount, was a stunning success, with four of five families leaving with mutually agreed plans to continue working on the re-establishedparent-child relationship.
As the owner and writer at It’s Almost Tuesday I hae shared many stories and articles and truths about a system that is filled with atrocities against children and families.
Spending my spare time delving into these issues is never a role someone would choose to take on. I’ve done it since 2007, three years after I lost my own child to a crooked system, parental kidnapping, and kinship care that alienated my child from me.
Although 12 years has gone by it seems like yesterday. I may have reunited with my son, or at least an adult version of him, but the damage done to both of us will never heal. Nothing can give us back the time lost and relationship we had.
Life is hard for everyone at times. The struggle is real. I cannot express that enough.
I left Texas, after all that happened there, and embarked on a trip out west. I heard that my son, had moved here. I saw him once. Then he left.
Nevertheless, here I am, in the over-taxed, relentlessly expensive state of California, and the struggle has become extreme.
That being said, I want to continue to contribute my knowledge to my readers, even though my battle with the child welfare system ended years ago. However,doing so requires expenses that i have always accepted and incurred alone. Still, with today’s economy it is growing more and more difficult and so I have created a way to accept any pledges and donations from my readers who value and support what I do.
Brain research indicates that birthtoagethree are the most important years in a child’s development.Children learn in many different ways.Each child has his own way of learning—some learn visually, others through touch, taste, and sound.Watch a group of children and you’ll understand at once what this means. One child will sit and listen patiently, another cannot wait to move and count beads. Another wants you to show her the answer over and over.Children also learn in different ways depending on their developmental stage. One thing we know is all children love to learn new things by exploring and discovering. Children love to solve problems during play and in daily activities.
In the first eighteen months after birth, an infant makes miraculous progress. In this relatively short time span, an infant sees her world through her senses. Babies gather information through touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound.To help infants mature and learn, the caregiver should stimulate but not overwhelm them. The overall goal is not to “teach” your baby but to interact and explore her world with her.Older infants are on the move. They take great pleasure in discovering what they can do with their voice, hands, feet, and toes. Soon they practice rolling skills, crawling, walking, and other great physical adventures.Here is what you might expect during the first eighteen months and beyond.
At one month of age the child can’t support its own head and is awake about one hour in every ten. The child is wholly dependent on its caregiver.
By three months of age the child’s hands and feet are fascinating. The child will laugh and coo at them. The child will remain alert for 15 minutes, maybe longer, at a time.
At five months the child may be able to roll over and sit with support. He or she can hold toys. At this age the child will babble and is alert for two hours at a time. By this time, the child will eat most baby food. If toys are just out of reach the child will try to reach them.
The child at nine months will become very busy! He or she will explore everything! By this time, the child should be able to crawl, sit, pull on furniture, grasp objects, and understand simple commands.They begin to be able to enjoy time with other babies and react to their happiness and sadness.
One year old
At the end of their first year, the child may be able to pull myself up and sidestep around furniture. They may begin walking. They make lots of sounds and say “Mama” and “Dada.”
At one year of age they are curious about flowers, ants, grass, stones, bugs, and dirt. They like to get messy, ’cause that’s how they learn. They have fingers want to touch everything. They like to play near others close to my age but not always with them. If walking, please walk at their pace.
Between the age of twelve to eighteen months, the child will like to eat with a spoon, even if it spills. He or she will explore everything high and low. The child may have temper tantrums because they will have no other way of expressing my feelings or frustrations.They may be fearful and clingy. It is during this time that evening routines become important: music, story, and bath time.The child will like balls, blocks, pull toys, push toys, take apart toys, put together toys, and cuddles. They will say “No” and mean it.
By eighteen months a child can walk well but still falls allot. They may jump. They say a lot of words, especially the word “mine”—because everything is “mine” to the child.
During the next stage of life, your child is beginning to define himself. The child needs activities that spur his imagination and vocabulary. During the toddler years, children get into everything.
The terrible terrific two’s
At age 2 the child is loving, and quite affectionate, and responsive to others. They will feel sorry or sad when others my age are upset. They may try hard to please you. They don’t need you so close for protection, but please don’t go too far away. The 2 year old may do the exact opposite of what you want and may be rigid, not willing to wait or give in.A 2 year old may even be bossy. “Me” is one of my favorite words. There are fears a two year old has, especially of sounds, separation, moving household objects, or that big dog.
Three through five years are the preschool years, when the child will be incredibly busy. Cutting, pasting, painting, and singing are all daily activities.The child starts kindergarten around age five, and will begin learning numbers, letters, and simple directions.
A three year old is chargedwith physical energy. The three year old child will do things on my own terms. With a mind like a sponge, reading and socializing are essential and gets them ready for school.The three year old likes to play pretend a lot and enjoys scribbling on everything. I am full of questions, many of which are “Why?”The child has become fairly reliable about using the potty by this age. Playing and trying new things out are how children of this age learn . He or she will begin to listen more and begins to understand how to solve problems.
4 years old
Four years old is an active stage, running, hopping, jumping, and climbing. The four year old loves to question everything “Why?” and “How?” . He or she is interested in numbers and the world in general.They enjoy playing with my friends and like to be creative with drawings, and recognizes their own pictures to be different from everyone else’s. The four year old is proud that he or she is so BIG now!
That brings us to age 5. Finally the child seems to be slowing a little in growth. With good motor control, but still small muscles aren’t as developed a the larger muscles are for activities such as jumping. This age comes with activity levels which are very high and play time has direction. The child will like writing his or her name, drawing pictures, making projects, and going to the library. Much more interested now in doing group activities, and sharing things and expressing feelings.They may prefer quiet time away from the other kids from time to time and be anxious to begin kindergarten.
6 to 8
Six through eight years of age have busy days filled with recess, homework, and tear-jerking fights with their friends. They begin to think and plan ahead. They have a thousand questions. This age group has good and bad days just like adults. Get ready, because it’s only the beginning!A six year old is affectionate and excited over school, willing to go eagerly most of the time. The 6 year old is self-centered and can be quite demanding. He or she thinks he is a big kid now and can be impatient, wanting demands to be met NOW. At this age the child begins to want to be around older children more than with younger ones. They will often have one close friend, and sometimes will exclude a third child.
7 Years Old
When the child reaches age 7, he is more quiet and sensitive to others than at six. Sometimes at this age, he or she tends to be mean to others of the same age and younger. which might include acting out to hurt their feelings to a 7 year old tends to be more polite and agreeable to adult suggestions and I conscious of his or her schoolwork and is beginning to compare his work with others wanting his schoolwork to look “right.”
When he or she makes mistakes, the 7 year old can easily become frustrated.
An 8 year olds curiosity and eagerness to explore new things continues to grow. Friends are more important and at this age, the child enjoys playing and being with peers. Recess may be a favorite “subject” in school. The 8 year old may follow you around the house just to find out how you feel and think, especially about him.
The 8 year old child is developing an awareness of adults as individuals and am curious about what they do at work. Around the house or at child care, 8 year olds can be quite helpful.
9 to 11
Children from nine to eleven are like the socks they buy, with a great range of stretch. Some are still “little kids” and others are quite mature. Some are already entering puberty, with body, emotions, and attitude changes during this stage.
Parents need to take these changes into account when they are choosing child care for this age group. These children begin to think logically and like to work on real tasks, such as mowing lawns or baking. They have a lot of natural curiosity about living things and enjoy having pets.
They have lots of energy, and physical activities are important such as sports and group activities. The child will begin to find his taste in clothes, music, and friends. He will want individuality if his choosing, or, a hair cut a certain way. Priorities like school are not as important now as a social life
At this age, girls are often taller and heavier than the boys. Some girls may be beginning to show signs of puberty, and we may be self-conscious about that. They can feel powerful and independent, as they know what to do and how to do it. They want to think independently and want to be independent and will be eager to become an adult.
The pre-teen adolescent years
As children enter adolescence, they to want their independence. Yet they still want to be children and need your guidance.
As your child grows, it’s easier to leave him at home for longer periods of time and also ask him to care for younger children. Trust your instincts and watch your child to make sure you are not placing too much responsibility on him at one time. Talk to him. Keep the door open.
Eleven – Fourteen
Your child is changing so fast—in body, mind, and emotions—that you hardly know him or her anymore. One day they are as responsible and cooperative as an adult; the next day they act more like a six-year-old.
Planning beyond today’s baseball game or slumber party is hard. One minute it’s sunny and the child is enthusiastic. The next minute it’s gloomy and your child is silent. Keep cool. These children are in the midst of a delicate process; they are becoming more self-sufficient.It’s Independence Day for them, as they are more independent than they used to be, but still quite self-conscious. They may think more like an adult, but there’s no simple answer to any thing.
They like to talk about issues in the adult world and think for themselves, and though they may often feel confused, their opinions are very important to them, and they want others to respect them. They seem to be moving away from my family as friends are more important than ever. To make sure they got on and are liked by their friends, so they sometimes act in ways that adults disapprove of.
They still need reasonable rules set by adults. However, they need the adults to be more understanding and cooperative. They want nothing to do with babysitters—in fact, they believe they are mature enough and can often be left alone or even to watch others.
Trauma and the Brain
“The human brain is designed to sense, process, store, perceive, and act on information from the external and the internal environment. All of these complex systems and activities work together for one overarching purpose—survival” (Goldstein, 1995 cited in Perry, et al., 1995).
Neurons are the building blocks of the brain. During development, neurons create networks that link to create systems. These systems are how the brain regulates all functions. Brain functions are organized from the most simple to the most complex. The development of these functions is sequential, meaning prior events impact future development.
A key fact that child welfare professionals, judges, and others who work with child welfare-involved families should know is that there are critical developmental times when neural pathways are being formed that can be significantly altered by traumatic events (Perry, 1995, 2009).
Exposure to chronic, prolonged traumatic experiences has the potential to alter children’s brains, which may cause longer-term effects in areas such as:
Attachment: Trouble with relationships, boundaries, empathy, and social isolation
Physical Health: Impaired sensorimotor development, coordination problems, increased medical problems, and somatic symptoms
Emotional Regulation: Difficulty identifying or labeling feelings and communicating needs
Dissociation: Altered states of consciousness, amnesia, impaired memory
Cognitive Ability: Problems with focus, learning, processing new information, language development, planning and orientation to time and space
Self-Concept: Lack of consistent sense of self, body image issues, low self-esteem,shame and guilt
Brain development in infancy and early childhood lays the foundation for all future development. Neural pathways form at great speed and depend on the repetition of experiences.
Experiences teach the brain what to expect and how to respond.
When experiences are traumatic, the pathways getting the most use are those in response to the trauma;this reduces the formation of other pathways needed for adaptive behavior.
Trauma in early childhood can result in disrupted attachment, cognitive delays, and impaired emotional regulation.Also, the overdevelopment of certain pathways and the underdevelopment of others can lead to impairment later in life (Perry, 1995).
By age three, the brain is almost 80% of its adult size;
By age five it is 90%.Although this creates a sense of urgency regarding intervention, it is also important to know that the brain has the most plasticity in infancy and early childhood, meaning there is the most opportunity for change.This is both the reason that prolonged trauma in early childhood can be so devastating, but also a window of opportunity for interventions that can alter the brain in positive ways (CWIG, 2011).
Children and Teens
Brain development continues in the school-age years, but more slowly.During this stage neural pathways are pruned or eliminated to increase efficiency. In addition, the brain coats neural pathways to protect and strengthen them (Shonkoff & Phillips, 2000).This process allows the school-age child to master more complex skills, including impulse control, managing emotions, and sustaining attention.
Trauma during this (school age to adolescence) stage of development can have significant impact on learning, social relationships, and school success(NCTSN, 2008).
The impact of trauma at this age also depends on the onset. If trauma continues into the school-age years from early childhood, the impact is greater on overall functioning.There is some evidence that trauma that begins during the school-age years will have a different impact than trauma that begins in early childhood.
Specifically, school-age onset seems to result in more externalizing behaviors (acting out) whereas early childhood onset results in more internalizing behaviors (withdrawal, depression, self-blame) (Manly, 2001; Kaplow, 2007).
In adolescence the brain goes through another period of accelerated development.
The pruning of unused pathways increases, similar to early childhood. This process makes the brain more efficient, especially the part of the brain that supports attention, concentration, reasoning, and advanced thinking.Trauma during adolescence disrupts both the development of this part of the brain and the strengthening of the systems that allow this part of the brain to effectively communicate with other systems. This can lead to increased risk taking, impulsivity, substance abuse, and criminal activity (NCTSN, 2008; Chamberlin, 2009; Wilson, 2011; CWIG, 2009).
Sense of Security
Survivors of childhood trauma need to feel safe and find a sense of security. Children need to feel physically and psychologically safe.
To feel psychologically safe, children need consistency and predictability.
It is important that caregivers provide predictable and consistent rules, environments including routines, clear expectations, consistent feedback, and positive reinforcement.
Caregivers should learn to truly listen to the child. Pay attention to possible triggers, which may be people, places, or things that make the child feel threatened.Increase the caregiver’s awareness of behaviors that are reactions to triggers. It may not always be clear to an outsider what the threat is, but the threat is real to the child who has experienced trauma.
Most importantly, reassure the child that everyone in her life is working to keep her safe. That reassurance, backed with the consistent actions by the caregivers, will, in time, create the trust and sense of security, essential in to the healing process.
Special thanks to the following sources of wonderful information-